4th Sunday in advent- Love
As we begin the 4th week of advent, I have so many things running through my mind. I've been writing this post in my head all week, but now can't remember everything I wanted to say. So, here is my rambling snipets... thoughts and stories of love from the past month.
I've noticed so many posts on facebook about dealing with loss during the holidays. I suppose they were always there and before I used to scroll by them because they didn't pertain to me. Now I read them all. People told me things to expect. I didn't understand them. Now I do. I thought I'd dealt with loss before. I have. But, nothing compared to this. I want to go to all the people I remember who experienced this loss and say I'm sorry I didn't understand the pain you were going through. Maybe I would have done something more?
A friend told me I would start thinking differently- that I would think "before dad died" and "after dad died". It's true. I do. I didn't even realize I was doing it at first. This is the first Christmas "after dad died". Yep. I can keep trying but it's not getting any easier to think about.
I am incredibly sad. I don't mean incredible as "a whole lot". I mean incredible as "I never would believe it". I didn't cry much at the visitation or the funeral. But, I looked at my almost empty gas gauge and could hardly breathe. When I was in Joliet on the weekends, my dad took great joy in sharing his 6 cent discount for gas when I needed gas while visiting. It's odd how things I would think would upset me don't and other things that seem so little have me bawling.
What does all of this rambling have to do with the 4th Sunday of advent? Well, I have a few ideas. The first is that if I had a choice, would I choose to go through this pain if I could grow up with such love? Absolutely! That thought has gotten me through a few times in the last couple of weeks. I'm grateful for the love my dad had for me and the love I had for my dad. I know he knew I loved him. There was never a doubt. To those of you who are angry, have lost relationships with parents, family, or friends, will you be so lucky? Sometimes, things happen and we don't expect to lose them suddenly. We think someday we will work it out. Maybe. But, maybe you won't have that opportunity. I couldn't imagine going through this pain and adding to it the guilt of not having had those important conversations. So, reach out and connect with family and friends who you need to forgive or to ask for forgiveness.
Next, if you're reading this, I'm probably talking about you. I don't always show it right now. Some days, it's hard to express, hard to even communicate. But, I feel the love. In fact, I don't know what I would do without it. It's been so amazing to feel so much love around me. It's an odd feeling to be both overwhelmingly sad and overwhelmingly loved. But, that's the best way to describe life right now. Some have sent a card, flowers, some random token as an expression of love. Some have called and we've talked, while some have called and I haven't been able to talk. I'm sorry and don't mean to ignore anyone. Kind words and promises of prayers mean so much. Today, at church someone came up to me with condolences and said my dad was the first person he met when he came to the church and what a good man he was. I loved hearing that.
One thing I have learned through this is that it's best just to do things. If someone asks, I'm going to say I'm ok. I'm not. If someone asks what I need, I need nothing. If someone shows up and has dinner or cookies, I'll eat them and be grateful not to have to think about what to do. I will read every word of every card or message I get, and I will appreciate whatever ways people reach out. So, if I haven't told you, thank you!
From now on, my goal is to just do whatever I think might be helpful or comforting to someone struggling.
I can't write about love right now without talking about my parents love. They were married for 47 years. I don't remember growing up and hearing them ever fight. Seriously! They didn't even argue. Growing up my dad worked and was gone all day and my mom worked some while we were in school. But, mom always cooked unless my dad grilled outside. They took care of each other. In the last few years, they have both had their share of health issues and have continued to take care of each other. In the last couple of years, my mom has been showing more and more signs of Alzheimers. As she has progressed, she depended more and more on my dad. She followed his lead on things, needed him to take care of things like meals, and depended on him being with her all of the time. He gave her a sense of security. My dad did everything he was able to do to take care of her.
In the last few weeks of his life, my dad was very concerned about my mom. In fact, I'm sure my dad stayed as long as he could because he didn't want to leave my mom. He was upset that he was leaving her when she needed to be taken care of. My mom spent the last few weeks of his life spending the days with him and leaving to go home at night until he came home. Once my dad came home, it was easier for them to be together. She told visitors that he was getting better. She had no idea how serious things were even though she heard the doctors tell us the reports. The thought of my dad soon not being here never occurred to her.
My mom spent her time in her recliner while my dad laid in a hospital bed set up where his recliner had been. The evening my dad died, my mom was on the couch next to his bed instead of her recliner. She never sits on the couch. She didn't say anything, just sat there, closer to him. His breathing changed and I knew the end was near. Then, my sister and I looked at each other and I got up to check, afraid of the answer I would get. My dad was gone and I lost it. My mom was confused and I vaguely heard my sister telling her. Then, the three of us were together, huddled around my dad. My mom kept repeating "I love you so". Then, as the three of us stood there, I realized my mom was there, like really there. She was comforting us as she was grieving, herself. She was being my mom. She knew what was happening and who we were. I feel like for that brief time, her love for my dad and her love for us overcame her disease. Maybe it was a gift from God, or from my dad. I don't know, but I needed it.
Now, we have to regularly remind my mom that he has passed. When she's out in familiar places, like church, where she's used to him being with her, she looks for him. When we tell her dad isn't there and that he passed, she always says "oh yeah, now I remember". After 47 years of being together, I don't think she will ever get used to him not being with her.
Next thought. I'm not alone. I've never been alone. I've always had a friend, a playmate, someone to look up to and have fun with. I have a big sister. I don't know what I'd do without her! A few months ago, I changed her ringtone to the "Sisters" song from White Christmas. When my phone rings, I hear "Sisters. Sisters. There were never such devoted sisters." At the time, it was amusing. In the last month, I've realized even more how true this is. This has been a crazy time. But, through everything, my sister and I have been working together. There were things that needed to be done and we just did them. We didn't even talk about it, we just both stepped up to do what we could. We agreed on what my parents needed and thankfully we were able to do it. In a crazy, stressful time, I'm so grateful to have my sister by my side. As we continue to care for my mom, I'm so grateful for her. I know I can always talk to her and that she will understand. Sisterly love is helping me get through this time.
We aren't decorating for Christmas. Tonight I bought my first Christmas things this season. Christmas isn't going to be like any other Christmas has been. But one of the things I read today struck me. We can have the most beautiful decorations, the best gifts, and the most picture perfect celebration, but if you don't have Christ in Christmas, then you don't have Christmas. I don't have beautiful decorations, the best gifts, or plans for the perfect celebration. But, I do have Christ this Christmas. I am grateful even more this Christmas for Jesus coming to save us and knowing we can go to heaven. Through all of the struggles I've had lately, I know God is with me. His love for me will help me through when I don't think I can. How do I know? Because I see His love for me through all of the people around me that he's working through.
So, where was God today, this month? You are God's hands and feet, His voice, His arms to hug me when I need it. Thank you!
Blessings,
Jennifer
As we begin the 4th week of advent, I have so many things running through my mind. I've been writing this post in my head all week, but now can't remember everything I wanted to say. So, here is my rambling snipets... thoughts and stories of love from the past month.
I've noticed so many posts on facebook about dealing with loss during the holidays. I suppose they were always there and before I used to scroll by them because they didn't pertain to me. Now I read them all. People told me things to expect. I didn't understand them. Now I do. I thought I'd dealt with loss before. I have. But, nothing compared to this. I want to go to all the people I remember who experienced this loss and say I'm sorry I didn't understand the pain you were going through. Maybe I would have done something more?
A friend told me I would start thinking differently- that I would think "before dad died" and "after dad died". It's true. I do. I didn't even realize I was doing it at first. This is the first Christmas "after dad died". Yep. I can keep trying but it's not getting any easier to think about.
I am incredibly sad. I don't mean incredible as "a whole lot". I mean incredible as "I never would believe it". I didn't cry much at the visitation or the funeral. But, I looked at my almost empty gas gauge and could hardly breathe. When I was in Joliet on the weekends, my dad took great joy in sharing his 6 cent discount for gas when I needed gas while visiting. It's odd how things I would think would upset me don't and other things that seem so little have me bawling.
What does all of this rambling have to do with the 4th Sunday of advent? Well, I have a few ideas. The first is that if I had a choice, would I choose to go through this pain if I could grow up with such love? Absolutely! That thought has gotten me through a few times in the last couple of weeks. I'm grateful for the love my dad had for me and the love I had for my dad. I know he knew I loved him. There was never a doubt. To those of you who are angry, have lost relationships with parents, family, or friends, will you be so lucky? Sometimes, things happen and we don't expect to lose them suddenly. We think someday we will work it out. Maybe. But, maybe you won't have that opportunity. I couldn't imagine going through this pain and adding to it the guilt of not having had those important conversations. So, reach out and connect with family and friends who you need to forgive or to ask for forgiveness.
Next, if you're reading this, I'm probably talking about you. I don't always show it right now. Some days, it's hard to express, hard to even communicate. But, I feel the love. In fact, I don't know what I would do without it. It's been so amazing to feel so much love around me. It's an odd feeling to be both overwhelmingly sad and overwhelmingly loved. But, that's the best way to describe life right now. Some have sent a card, flowers, some random token as an expression of love. Some have called and we've talked, while some have called and I haven't been able to talk. I'm sorry and don't mean to ignore anyone. Kind words and promises of prayers mean so much. Today, at church someone came up to me with condolences and said my dad was the first person he met when he came to the church and what a good man he was. I loved hearing that.
One thing I have learned through this is that it's best just to do things. If someone asks, I'm going to say I'm ok. I'm not. If someone asks what I need, I need nothing. If someone shows up and has dinner or cookies, I'll eat them and be grateful not to have to think about what to do. I will read every word of every card or message I get, and I will appreciate whatever ways people reach out. So, if I haven't told you, thank you!
From now on, my goal is to just do whatever I think might be helpful or comforting to someone struggling.
I can't write about love right now without talking about my parents love. They were married for 47 years. I don't remember growing up and hearing them ever fight. Seriously! They didn't even argue. Growing up my dad worked and was gone all day and my mom worked some while we were in school. But, mom always cooked unless my dad grilled outside. They took care of each other. In the last few years, they have both had their share of health issues and have continued to take care of each other. In the last couple of years, my mom has been showing more and more signs of Alzheimers. As she has progressed, she depended more and more on my dad. She followed his lead on things, needed him to take care of things like meals, and depended on him being with her all of the time. He gave her a sense of security. My dad did everything he was able to do to take care of her.
In the last few weeks of his life, my dad was very concerned about my mom. In fact, I'm sure my dad stayed as long as he could because he didn't want to leave my mom. He was upset that he was leaving her when she needed to be taken care of. My mom spent the last few weeks of his life spending the days with him and leaving to go home at night until he came home. Once my dad came home, it was easier for them to be together. She told visitors that he was getting better. She had no idea how serious things were even though she heard the doctors tell us the reports. The thought of my dad soon not being here never occurred to her.
My mom spent her time in her recliner while my dad laid in a hospital bed set up where his recliner had been. The evening my dad died, my mom was on the couch next to his bed instead of her recliner. She never sits on the couch. She didn't say anything, just sat there, closer to him. His breathing changed and I knew the end was near. Then, my sister and I looked at each other and I got up to check, afraid of the answer I would get. My dad was gone and I lost it. My mom was confused and I vaguely heard my sister telling her. Then, the three of us were together, huddled around my dad. My mom kept repeating "I love you so". Then, as the three of us stood there, I realized my mom was there, like really there. She was comforting us as she was grieving, herself. She was being my mom. She knew what was happening and who we were. I feel like for that brief time, her love for my dad and her love for us overcame her disease. Maybe it was a gift from God, or from my dad. I don't know, but I needed it.
Now, we have to regularly remind my mom that he has passed. When she's out in familiar places, like church, where she's used to him being with her, she looks for him. When we tell her dad isn't there and that he passed, she always says "oh yeah, now I remember". After 47 years of being together, I don't think she will ever get used to him not being with her.
Next thought. I'm not alone. I've never been alone. I've always had a friend, a playmate, someone to look up to and have fun with. I have a big sister. I don't know what I'd do without her! A few months ago, I changed her ringtone to the "Sisters" song from White Christmas. When my phone rings, I hear "Sisters. Sisters. There were never such devoted sisters." At the time, it was amusing. In the last month, I've realized even more how true this is. This has been a crazy time. But, through everything, my sister and I have been working together. There were things that needed to be done and we just did them. We didn't even talk about it, we just both stepped up to do what we could. We agreed on what my parents needed and thankfully we were able to do it. In a crazy, stressful time, I'm so grateful to have my sister by my side. As we continue to care for my mom, I'm so grateful for her. I know I can always talk to her and that she will understand. Sisterly love is helping me get through this time.
We aren't decorating for Christmas. Tonight I bought my first Christmas things this season. Christmas isn't going to be like any other Christmas has been. But one of the things I read today struck me. We can have the most beautiful decorations, the best gifts, and the most picture perfect celebration, but if you don't have Christ in Christmas, then you don't have Christmas. I don't have beautiful decorations, the best gifts, or plans for the perfect celebration. But, I do have Christ this Christmas. I am grateful even more this Christmas for Jesus coming to save us and knowing we can go to heaven. Through all of the struggles I've had lately, I know God is with me. His love for me will help me through when I don't think I can. How do I know? Because I see His love for me through all of the people around me that he's working through.
So, where was God today, this month? You are God's hands and feet, His voice, His arms to hug me when I need it. Thank you!
Blessings,
Jennifer
No comments:
Post a Comment