ok

It's a new year. I was recently reminded of a challenge from years ago by a sermon from a great pastor. We were to achieve 101 goals in 1,001 days. I struggled with the first goal of having 101 goals. But, I'm thinking of writing down a list and seeing how many I can achieve. Almost everything in my life has changed in 2019. At the beginning of 2019, I wouldn't have guessed that I would be starting a new job in a different field, that I would end the year without my dad, that so many things would be so different. But, here we are beginning a new year with so many new things, a new normal. This will be "the year of firsts", all of the first holidays without my dad. New Year's Day seemed harder than Christmas. Maybe it's because New Year's Day was the holiday when I got to host and have my family come to my house. But, nobody came this year. I got to spend time visiting my family, eating and playing games, and we had a great time together. It was in the quiet times, the car rides, that I had no choice but to think about the changes from last year. But, I've decided to keep some traditions, even through the changes. 

Throughout the 10 years I was in youth ministry, we started the new year with a project. We would think about the year ahead and then we each would think about our own lives, our goals, and where we would want to be at the end of the year. Then we would write it down and hang it up somewhere where we would see it throughout the year to remind ourselves what our focus for the year was.

Each year, we would choose a word and a scripture. Looking back, my word for 2019 impacted my life in a big way. My word was "Intentional" and I was very intentional in a lot of the things I did. It changed my life for the better, and I am so glad I decided to make it have such an impact. 

I was very intentional in the choices I made. I chose to leave a toxic situation and the moment that I did, it was like God said "It's about time! Look what I have for you, now!" What a blessing it has been to not have the toxicity filling my life and to instead have opportunities to love and be loved and to share God's love with others in so many ways! 

I was very intentional in my family relationships, mainly with my parents. I had decided in the summer of 2018 that I would visit my parents weekly. While my work schedule changed mid- year, I made sure to keep this decision intact and I am so grateful for the time I had with my parents in 2019, including a trip to New York for a family reunion. 

The tough thing now is to choose my word for 2020. The word has some big shoes to fill after last year's word that impacted me so greatly. I've been thinking for awhile now and hearing other people's words to see if I could come up with the perfect word for 2020. 

And, therein lies the problem. I can't come up with a perfect word. Not everything is perfect. Not everything is even good right now. In fact, I'm lucky to be ok. And, there it is. The word I keep coming back to after trying on every word I could think of. Yep, so much less significant than "intentional". Ok. Yet, right now is has great significance for me for several reasons. 

I'm taking each day as it comes and working at being ok. But, in the times that I struggle, I know it's ok to not be ok. 

Another reason this word is significant has to do with one of my greatest and worst traits. I am a perfectionist. I come by it honestly, as my dad was a perfectionist, too. Sometimes being a perfectionist is a great thing as I try to get things right and I rarely portray this trait on to anyone else. It's only myself that I'm hard on. And, sometimes, I'm harder on myself than I should be. I expect too much and have a fear of failure. So, I need to remind myself that sometimes things aren't perfect and sometimes ok is good enough. 

So, after trying on so many words for size, my tiny little word for 2020, the start of this new decade, is "ok". 

I've been so focused on my word that I hadn't thought much about my scripture verse. Some years my scripture verse is more significant than other years. The year I chose James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.", I immediately thought "Oh, no! What have I done? How many trials will I face this year now?" Luckily, it was a good year and I didn't face any memorable, terrible trials that year. So, today as I was driving home from church, I was thinking about different verses that might be good for the year ahead. I thought of several verses that talk about God being with us, about resting and peace. And, then I thought of the perfect verse for this year. Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." I love this verse right now. First of all, it brings me comfort and reminds me that it's ok and God is there to comfort me. But, secondly, it reminds me that not only does God want me to be comforted, but He wants me to comfort others. What I have learned in the last 1 1/2 months, is that there are so many ways to comfort others that I hadn't thought of before I experienced it. So, this year, I hope to focus on comforting others as a way to be God's hands and feet while I also experience God's hands and feet by comforting and being comforted. 

The last part of my yearly project is to have goals in several different areas of my life. This year, I will have goals in "family", "work", "spiritual", "health", and "self-care". They are a work in progress just as I am a work in progress... and that's ok.

Blessings,

Jennifer