Advent thoughts for 2020

 I don't always decorate much for Christmas. We typically go somewhere on Christmas day so sometimes when life gets in the way, we don't get a tree. We didn't decorate at all last year as we were still in a fog from my dad's passing and my father-in-law recovering from major surgery. It just seemed unimportant with everything else going on. This year, on the other hand, I've been excited about decorating and getting a tree! Ironic that the one year I am longing for a tree, they are hard to come by and the time to search for one is even harder to come by! We may have to settle for the 2 foot tree we got 13 years ago to decorate in my husband's hospital room after his surgery. But, still I am grateful for what we have. So, tree or no tree, this year Christmas will be here soon! And, I will enjoy whatever decorations, whatever joys are here!

As I was going through decorations, I had a lot of thoughts. I was gathering all of the ornaments we have given to my son over the years and thinking how time flies. I also had trouble remembering if some were his or ours! They have blended into our tree ornaments over the years. Now, just as our tree will look different with fewer ornaments, our Christmas will be different with him far away and other family not able to gather due to the pandemic. Last year being a blur, this truly feels like the first Christmas without my dad. Earlier this week was the anniversary of his passing, but I honestly don't remember anything about Christmas last year besides missing my dad. It's almost easier to celebrate these times during a pandemic. If I tried to do a big Thanksgiving celebration and Christmas celebrations with family as usual, there would be a big hole where my dad is supposed to fit in. With things completely different, it doesn't make it as obvious and doesn't give me glaring reminders of "this is where dad and I would be, talk, or laugh". I hope that makes sense to someone else besides me... but if not that's ok, too.

So, as I was going through decorations, I also thought about advent. As you may have figured out from earlier posts, I love advent! Focusing on hope, peace, joy, and love, what's not to love? I have always waited until after December 12th to put up our tree and do most of the decorating. Why? It's probably like the cutting the pot-roast in half story. I do it because that's how I grew up with my parents doing it. My mom's birthday is the 12th and we always waited until after her birthday to get ready for Christmas so that she could have her day. 

But, what if I made decorating part of my advent celebration? After all, isn't advent a time of waiting with anticipation and getting ready for Christmas? Since I thought of it mid- advent, I can't do it completely this year, but next year, I will be ready! 

Advent week 1- Hope- time to start getting some of the decorations around the house out, including the nativity's and my snowmen collection, and especially my BELIEVE nativity set because hope give us the opportunity to believe. 

Advent week 2- Peace- time to get out all of my angels and whatever other decorations give me peace.

Advent week 3- Joy- time to get the tree. We have never had a fake tree. It has been fun going as a family to pick out the perfect tree. Sometimes they have been "not so perfect", but that's part of the joy! Once the tree is up, the lights can go on the tree. One of my joys is watching how excited my oldest dog gets when we get a tree. She spends as much time as possible laying under the tree. Pine needles fly everywhere from her height and down as she works to find the best spot to lay. 

Advent week 4- Love- time to put the ornaments on the tree! Most of the ornaments on my tree were things I was given or inherited. Each ornament is a memory of love from and for my family and friends. When I think about all of the love that is put on the tree with those ornaments, and then I think about how much more God loves us, I am overwhelmed! 

This all means I have to strategically pack away everything. I will have totes labeled Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love. But, I won't have to worry about that for awhile. My Christmas decorations stay up long past Christmas Day. Christmas doesn't end until epiphany January 6th and I wish everyone kept celebrating the Christmas season until then. I get sad that on December 26th I see lights and trees down already. Although, I'm sure there are people who wonder why I sometimes still have mine up in February!

Another thing I wish I would have thought of sooner and hope to do next year is post on Facebook: What brings you _____ (hope, peace, joy, love)? How will you experience or bring ________ (hope, peace, joy, love to others? What scriptures give you ___________? I started late last week with peace and have been inspired by the comments. Also, it has been interesting to see who commented that I don't regularly get comments from. Hopefully I will start right away next year.

These have all been random advent thoughts that wouldn't necessarily fit in one week more so than another so I figured they deserved their own post. Mainly, I hope writing them all down will help me remember next year! Thanks for reading!

Where was God in this? I think He inspired me to be more intentional this advent.

Blessings,
Jennifer

Joy 2020

 Joy! This week we get to focus on joy! 

When I was leading youth, this was my favorite week! We always went caroling to our friends at assisted living and nursing homes, or to friends that were homebound to spread joy to others! Through the years, the youth, the volunteers, and I all made connections with those we visited. It wasn't the only time we visited, but it was probably my favorite visit. We brought cookies or cupcakes and sang and visited. Even if I was still doing children and youth ministry, this wouldn't have been the same due to the pandemic. One year, the weather was horrible when we had planned to do our caroling up and down the street the church was on. Instead of walking, we called friends and family and all sang into the phone. It wasn't the same, but it was a fun substitute! Can you spread some joy by calling someone and caroling or catching up with them? 

It's hard right now to be joyful when so much negativity is out there. If we just focus on all of the things that aren't the same, if we continue to think "that's not how we did it before", then I would guess joy is not going to happen. If we're too busy looking at the negative to see the positive, then our lives are filled with negativity. 

I heard a great sermon on joy this morning, and a friend told me about a great sermon she had heard this morning about joy. I'd like to share some of the thoughts from them. "There will be times that we are not happy. And yet, joy is something else." "It's not easy to be happy, and yet, God will give us the opportunity to be joyful." We are challenged to call upon our God who is the giver of joy. So that even if every day isn't happy, maybe the joy that God has given us might reflect better in (us)." "Mary's joy was Jesus' job. Jesus gives us all the joy we want or need. It's there for the taking. We just have to accept it."

Of course, there will be moments of sadness, of feelings of loss, and I imagine there is a sense of grief for the things we cannot have during this time. But, at some point, we have to look for joy. Maybe when we find ourselves going into that rabbit hole of sadness, we have to intentionally look for joy. During this week of advent, think about the joys in your life. 
Maybe you can make a list of ways to look for joy. 

Create a "Joy Jar" filled with little messages- blessings, fun memories, scripture, etc. that you can take out when you're having "one of those days".  
If your life isn't joyful, are there things that you need to let go- toxic relationships, time commitments that overextend you, or situations that need to change?

What brings you joy? What do you to bring joy to others?

Where is God in this week? He's there with us, offering us joy. We just have to let Him know we want it.

Blessings,
Jennifer

The sermons that were referenced can be found here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjHfp91M9tY

https://www.facebook.com/148869845233740/videos/700026367320049

Peace 2020

When I started in youth ministry, I started really focusing on advent. We looked at what each focus word meant in our lives and we would discuss ways to live out each focus throughout the week. Since beginning those discussions, advent has become such a meaningful time in my life and I find a sense of renewal each year as I again focus on each word. 

 Peace. That seems to be a struggle in many ways this year. Social justice, politics, stress from the pandemic all contribute to our lack of peace, while making it so much more evident that we need it. When I think of peace through the lens of the world, I am overwhelmed. We have to look at it and we have to strive for it, but what can I as one person do? But, you've probably heard it before. By changing one thing, one person at a time, we will change the world. So, I think a good challenge for this week would be to find ways to do that. What ways can we, by our actions or words, work to bring peace to someone. Can showing kindness and love bring world peace? Will it bring about change for social justice issues, make politics a positive idea, make the pandemic go away? Nope. But, it can make people feel a little better. 

When I think about peace, I don't always think of the big picture of world peace. While that's extremely important, sometimes I have to look within myself. Am I at peace with where I am right now? Almost a year ago, I looked at myself and my answer was no. In January, I decided it was time to take a look at what I was doing and, more importantly, how I was doing.

In general, I'm not great at self-care. I decided 2020 was going to be my year to focus on self- care. I spent the first eight weeks with goals for my self-care journey-starting with one the first week and adding another one every week. Some of them have stuck and others haven't. I haven't had pop since the 2nd week of January. I've been running and have exceeded any ideas I had when I started at about 30 seconds at a time. I do think the idea of self-care 2020 has helped me this year. I can't say how it was changed by the pandemic, but I am guessing the goals would have stuck or not stuck whether or not the pandemic happened. 

In a way, I feel that time has brought me a sense of peace. Some positive changes have been good for me. At a time when I was struggling to get up in the morning, I found some motivation.  My word for the year "ok" meant that it was ok not to be ok... that I needed to still work towards being ok... and that everything doesn't have to be perfect. Giving myself permission for any or all of those things to be true, for my goals to be better achieved on some days than others, gave me a peace in my life. It was ok that I wasn't, that I'm still not always ok. 

If someone had asked me a year ago if I was at peace with some of the rough things I had recently gone through, I probably would have said yes. This summer, some things came up that forced me to relive some of those struggles and made me realize my answer wasn't yes, but rather sometimes I was at peace with them. Through the course of a month or two, I relived some things, took some actions that I felt called to do, and then realized that the outcome wasn't my concern. I had done what I needed to do and my personal peace didn't need to depend on the actions of anyone by myself. That's when I realized I was at peace with that chapter and I could close the book.

So, in this week of focusing on peace, I plan to look for ways to help bring peace to others. I plan to give myself the space to be at peace even if things aren't perfect. And, I plan to continue looking at my relationship with God and others and exploring where I am in them.

So, where was God in this? He helped me, encouraged me through others, and He loved me even when I wasn't ok. \

Blessings,

Jennifer

Hope 2020

 I'm a week behind as today begins the second week of advent. I had meant to write all week, but time got away from me. So, let's pretend this is the beginning of the first week of advent for a few minutes.

Hope... a year ago none of us knew the craziness that this year has brought us. This year we have had to cling to hope like never before in our lifetime. Someday, we won't have to wear masks, we will be able to hug people, we won't have to consider the risks of going to the store to get necessities, and we will once again live in a world of toilet paper for all. I have been clinging to this hope since March. There were times I was better at it than others. 

A year ago, I was days away from saying goodbye to my dad... an unbearable thought then and now. But, a year later, I have felt God's comforting presence that has brought me hope. Throughout this year, changes in my life have surprised me. Most recently, becoming a chaplain at the hospital was not something I had thought much about. But, God has given me a gift to hopefully be a comfort to people who need it. One of the reasons I have the confidence to do this is through the experiences with my own grief. 

How amazing is our God that He can take anything that comes in our lives and use it for His good! Seeing that over and over in my life and in the lives of others is probably what has instilled hope in me more than anything else. Even in a year when we have all struggled in one way or another due to the pandemic, there are wonderful things happening that would not have happened otherwise- families staying home together, churches reaching out into the community more, people realizing what is important in their lives and what isn't, and so much more.

But, in this time of advent, I have to think of the hope that a little baby brought us all. We who are not perfect people became perfect when He took our sins away. Because of this, I know that I get to go to heaven. I have hope in that.. I have hope that I will see my loved ones when I get there. I don't know if that's what heaven is like, but I'm hoping! I'm also hoping that my loved ones are still here watching over me, seeing what I'm doing. That's one of the hardest things to adjust to after my dad passed. I don't get to tell him what I'm doing and I don't get to hear what he's doing. 

So, where was God today? He's planning how to use everything we do to make things better and to bring people together for Him. And, if we have hope, our eyes will be open to see it.

Blessings,

Jennifer

Comfort

 Tomorrow is November 1st. A year ago, that would have meant so much less than now. A  year ago, I was helping my parents decide where to move, figuring out that things were about to change, but at peace knowing that it was a decision my family was making together. Then, all that changed. 

My family didn't get to make the decision. It was made for us when my dad was diagnosed with 3 brain tumors last November. This on top of an upcoming scary heart surgery for my father-in-law made life a blur. I am grateful for the time spent with family during those times and am grateful for the memories. I am also grateful for the blessings that came when my father-in-law's surgery was successful. But, none of it was what I expected to happen last November.

Through that experience, there were times that my grief overtook me. There were times that God was so present in my surroundings that it overwhelmed me. There was such an outpouring of love and I don't know if I would have gotten through without it. 

As I write this, I remember the times I poured my heart out in the words I typed and how it helped me to process all of those things... grief, God, love...and the holidays. 

I learned so much during that time and the months to follow. I learned I didn't really understand at all. You know, those times we say I'm sorry and I understand what you're going through? Yeah... I didn't really until I went through it myself. And once I knew that, it pushed me to use what I had learned. So, when 2020 arrived, I chose my scripture verse and word for the year as I had done for several years before. I decided that it was ok to continue grieving and also comfort others in grief. My word for the year was ok. It came with many meanings... it's ok to not be ok, I'm trying to be ok. Something like that. My scripture verse for the year was Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." That, too, had several meanings... finding comfort through my mourning, giving comfort to others who mourned now that I knew the devastation it could bring.

This verse has followed me throughout the year; maybe it's better to say this verse has led me throughout the year. That remains true now in ways I never expected! Recently, a friend contacted me asking if I was interested in an on-call chaplain position. At first I thought I'm not qualified for that since I'm not a pastor. But, I asked for more details anyway. As I listened to what the job would be, I thought this is something I can do and am more qualified because of my experiences than any reason I could think of to doubt myself. This is a way I can fulfill Matthew 5:4 in a very real way as God is leading me to do. Then, the words came into my head "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called." Then, the Sunday school I am in is doing the beatitudes and right after this became an idea I was trying to figure out, They began their week focused on Matthew 5:4. And there it was- God's messages for me. This is something I had to try to do... if it was meant to be, it would happen. If there is a way I could bring comfort to others as I had been comforted, I had to try.

All of this to say, I will soon be starting a position as an on-call chaplain at the local hospital! This won't change any of my other jobs or activities. I love my clients and the church I work at and everything else I do! But, I am really looking forward to exploring this new mission God has called me to!

Never would I have thought a year ago that this would be my journey. But, God has a way of surprising us in the most awesome ways when we least expect it!

So, where was God in this time? He was walking next to me, sometimes carrying me, sometimes leading me, always encouraging me, always comforting me.

Blessings,

Jennifer

Running

 Some of you may know that I recently started running. I have always struggled with running. I couldn't breathe well, had stomach cramps when I had to run back in my school days, and just basically didn't like it. I am also very stubborn and don't like not being able to do things. So, in January, I decided to work at it and get to the point where I could run a mile. At the time, 30 seconds of random running while I walked on my treadmill was a triumph. 

Nine months later and I'm running three miles four days a week and actually working at running faster. I decided to change my goal from one to three miles awhile back. When I reached the three mile goal, I found an app to help me record my times, along with other stats only I would care about. 

From the beginning, I needed to listen to something to pass the time. Running three miles gave me a little over 30 minutes of time in the morning to just listen. I used this time to listen to random sermons, videos my friends sent, audiobooks, and my scripture reading for the day. I discovered I seemed more focused while I ran. I could remember where on my route I was while listening to a particular part of whatever I was listening to. 

So, it made me start thinking more about what I listened to during those 30 minutes... until I found the app. Once I found the app, I had to listen to only things that would play in the background while I could watch the numbers on my phone telling me how I was doing. That meant I was mainly listening to audiobooks. 

A week or so into that routine, I was really struggling with my running. My times were slow and I was feeling unmotivated. It was just my running. I felt strangely off the whole week and I couldn't figure out why. Thinking about it that next weekend, I realized I was just squeezing in my daily bible reading wherever I could. Rather than taking advantage of the time in the morning when I could focus better and start my day right, I was listening to whatever. I decided to go back to listening to my scripture. 

So, on Monday morning I ran while listening to 1 John 2. 1 John 2:15- 17  "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." 

My commentary for the day said this, "Try this and you can feel great. Try this and you can look great. Try this and you can be great. This is satan's strategy toward us. The lust of the flesh, the pride of the eyes, the pride of life. None of this is of the Father, but of the world. We need to have a different outlook. Real satisfaction comes from a spiritual relationship with God. Real beauty isn't about outward image. Inner character is what counts and real purpose is found not in temporal pursuits but in counting for eternity.

And there it was. Why had the weeks before felt off? I had lost focus. Yes, I still read my scripture, but it wasn't my morning focus. I was fitting it in wherever was easiest. My main focus had become running faster, being more fit, and toning my muscles instead of 30 minutes of time to listen to my scripture and commentary, to listen to what God had to say to me that morning. Once I turned my focus back to Him, I actually ran better and had a better week all around. 

How awesome that God spoke to me on that run and reminded me how much He cared about me and about our time together.

So, where was God that morning? He was talking to me while I ran.

Blessings,

Jennifer

Joy

I know some of you have been praying for me and praying for me to have peace. So, I felt compelled to share an update.
After my last blog, something changed. It was as if putting a name to my experiences helped to affirm them for me. I did share some things with those in authority and after initially thinking accountability might happen, I realized I was mistaken.
But, you know what? It didn't matter! Somehow, a peace has come over me and helped me to see that I have done what I could and now it's up to God. To use a phrase we often said at youth group, judging is for Jesus. I had felt a sense of responsibility... and guilt... over the last year for staying silent. But, now I have not been silent and have done what I felt I needed to do and have been released of that nagging feeling. I guess this really has been a case of experiencing the journey rather than rejoicing in the destination. I think I needed to process and to stand up, but now that I have, I have a sense of closure. And, although I'm sad for the current situations, I have to let it go.
It's time to look ahead!
And, my life is filled with so much joy!
This weekend, I ended up having some extra time on Saturday. So, I sent a random message to a friend that became such a blessing! There are some things I will always miss from ministry. I loved planning events like mission trips, camp, and VBS. There is something so exciting about getting ready! So, Saturday and Sunday, I got to be a part of that excitement! It's so funny that I enjoyed shopping so much since I'm typically not a shopper. But, I got to go supply shopping for VBS and it was like a fun scavenger hunt!
Not only will I be participating in this VBS, but I am also helping with VBS at another church in August. They are both very different and I love having the opportunity to experience different ministries even though my jobs have changed. Ministry is everywhere, whether we are looking for it or not is the key!
A week ago, I took a day off of Facebook. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to begin a Friday fast from Facebook and possibly other things. I'm still exploring how to use that time, but am excited to explore! A friend and I will soon be finishing our Bible reading journey together. We are hoping to explore some other spiritual disciplines and thinking about focusing on fasting and prayer. I'm sure you will read more about that in future blogs as I learn more about it and have experiences to share.
Earlier this month, I reached a goal to run 3 miles. I have been enjoying using that time to listen to books, scripture, and sermons from several different churches as well as to pray and think. This extra time in the morning has changed the start of my day from getting up and rushing out the door to a time to focus and learn first think in the morning. What a difference that makes! Feeling a sense of accomplishment in the first hour I'm awake has brought the rest of my day to be more positive and focused.
I am thankful for the friends who have surrounded me with love and support. I am thankful for the people who are in my life and who have been a part of my journey.
So, where was God these last few weeks? He was in all of you and He was listening to the prayers for peace.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Gaslight

*writer's note: If you are reading this, I am trusting you to contact me before sharing. I wrote this as a way to put down some words to stop them from floating in my head. I'm not ready, and maybe never will be, to share it with everyone. Thank you. 
It's been a year. A lot has happened in a year. God continued to bless me and continued to assure me that I was following the right path. I am feeling blessed. I love my jobs, I love the people that I'm surrounded by, and I love my relationship with God. But, I have to admit this year was the hardest year of my life. There were too many goodbyes. And, it all started a year ago.

Two years ago, never could I have imagined what my life would be. I'm not talking about the pandemic or the rush on toilet paper. I'm talking about how I got to where I am today- the sleepless nights, the confused days, the conversations that didn't make sense, and the hurt and anger that tried to take hold of me. But, I am grateful for my relationship with God and His unending love for me and I am grateful for my family and friends and their unending love for me. 

It wasn't until recently that I was able to put a name to it. And, somehow, putting a name to it made me feel a bit better... knowing I wasn't alone. But, it also made me sad. How do you stop it? I frantically googled and read again and again what I already knew.. because I'd done it. Leave however you can get away... it's not your duty to fix them... if you can leave, don't look back. That's what I tried to do. 

But, it didn't work for a few reasons. 1) I left on my terms and that was unacceptable for him to see that I left and was living a good life. 2) I watched my friends feel what I had felt and that was heartbreaking. 3) I knew it would continue if I stayed quiet, if my friends stayed quiet, if we all pretended everything was normal. 4) Leaving meant not seeing people who had become like family. 5) Staying quiet gave room for lies, for attempts to ruin things I treasure, and for me to ask "what if". 

So, things continued quietly in the background... emails here and there, friends sharing what they had been told, never knowing if I let my guard down if it was too soon. 

Gaslighting... “Imagine you’re going through the worst experience you’ve ever had,” she says, “and, at the same time, you’re being told it’s not happening.”  I wasn't exactly sure what it was when I heard the term. I knew there was an old play about it. But, that's about it. When I googled it, I found article upon article describing my experience exactly . One stuck out to me as it described 11 warning signs. I'll share them here in bold along with my experiences.

1. They tell blatant lies. It's hard to think of just one. I listened as he would tell one person one thing and another something completely different... where he was going, what he was doing. Telling people what he thought they wanted to hear was his specialty. He would proudly announce how he was supporting the mission trip to Guatemala while behind the scenes talking to the mission committee about voting to not allow it because secretly he needed the money people were donating to go to other things he wanted. I doubt anyone would have argued against the fact that I was at the church more that anyone else. When I put in vacation time to help lead the church trip to Guatemala, he told me he was working with the staff parish relations committee (sprc) to make sure I could go. In reality, I found out he was working to convince the sprc that I shouldn't be able to go. I realized something was horribly wrong when I met with some of sprc for a review. He had told them all I do is show movies, that I had no youth, and various other lies. Luckily, my obsession with spreadsheets was in my favor as I had documentation to show those were all lies.

2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. When a serious issue came up that he had manufactured, after telling lies to several people to get them thinking i had done something wrong, he had them set up a meeting with me and then sent out an email saying he would be out of town the day of the meeting and surrounding days so that he could pretend he wasn't involved, let alone the instigator.

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. I have never made it a secret that I love children and the youth. Trying to convince me that I no longer was effective in connecting with them was attempted, but I knew the truth. Another thing I have always held near and dear was my integrity. He worked hard to get people to doubt that. Most people, I hope, knew me better than to think I would do something wrong that would put money over my relationship with God or my integrity in jeopardy. Those who believed him, I hope one day will know the truth. 

4. They wear you down over time. After my review, I was advised by my sprc liaison to document everything. My documentation shows the irrational conversations and emails that began slowly escalated to every few days by the time I left.

5. Their actions do not match their words. One of the times that haunts me happened on a Wednesday evening during our weekly event meant to reach out to children, youth, and families in the community. There were 5-10 teens that had been consistently coming to dinner for just over a month. They stopped by the youth room before dinner a few times and again after a few times during our Bible study time. It was obvious they weren't overly comfortable with it, but each week they came back and seemed a little bit more engaged. One week, he went over to them during dinner. I was with some other youth and didn't know of his conversation until the next day. He had told them not to come back if they didn't stay for the entire time. During this event specifically for reaching out he had just told a group of teens we don't want you here! Can you imagine what they left thinking church is about? I am still devastated that they were connecting and now they are all probably anti-church because of how they were treated. That next Sunday, the sermon was all about how we should be reaching out into the community and reaching the unchurched people- especially young people and families!

6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. Every once in awhile, he would tell me how great my children's sermon was, how great the parent's night out had been, or how Vacation Bible School was such a success. He would tell me he appreciated my dedication and hard work, and that I was always there.

7. They know confusion weakens people. Schedule changes, planning events that conflicted with the regular youth events, never being at the church at normal times, showing up to see what the youth were doing but then as soon as he was noticed quickly leaving were all his tactics to keep people guessing.

8. They project. Remember #6 and #7? He started telling people that I was never there! In reality, he was never there and was at the same time giving me positive reinforcement about always working and my dedication. I started recording my hours. You don't want to see how much time I put in. I am so grateful for an understanding husband who didn't get upset with me for being gone so much.

9. They try to align people against you. This happened. Some friendships survived, reconnections were mainly after I left. Others did not. I had to let that go for now.

10. They tell you or others that you are crazy. Several times I talked to him about his actions that made it clear that he wanted me gone. I was pretty direct in explaining my reasons in hopes of working things out to make them better. He just denied that any of it was true, told me he was on my side and that we were a team.

11. They tell you everyone else is a liar. This goes back to #9. His tactics to align people against me were to lie or tell half-truths about people.

Another article writes of gaslighting in the workplace. "Gaslighters at work will often assert things with extreme conviction or indignation. They will often shame co-workers and distort truths. They may ignore you when you respond to something they’ve said. They will counter, block, divert or trivialize what you say.

This often causes people to work harder in order to prove their worth to the gaslighter. You’ll feel like you could get fired at any point so the work environment feels unstable. Anxiety and stress increase as you bend over backward to try to please an abusive personality. You may feel confused and second guess all your decisions. When dealing with a gaslighter in the workplace, you will likely go through disbelief. You may become defensive and potentially even become depressed."

Because these things happened in a church with the gaslighter being a pastor, it added other facets to the experience. 

He misused scripture to manipulate people into doing what he wanted. His most often used scripture was Matthew 18. "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (Matthew 18:15–17) I was surprised when I googled this scripture that it is commonly used by abusers to keep them from speaking to others. "Matthew 18:15-17 contains the words of Christ to his church, instructing us on how to deal with internal conflict with a brother or sister who sins against us and doesn’t know it. It’s appropriate to follow that model in that situation, but it’s inadequate — and becomes itself a tool for abuse — when it is used to bully abuse survivors into silence." By telling victims they must go to the person, their abuser, the abuser keeps them from telling others of the issues. 

I have agonized for the past year over what my responsibility as a Christian is. Is my responsibility to leave quietly and move on, finding other ways to do ministry and hoping that the church will thrive somehow in spite of the leadership? Is my responsibility to encourage the children and youth, the families that I connected with, and the people who became my family to all stay connected to the church in hopes of God's healing and daily miracles to shelter them from the unethical things happening there? Or, is my responsibility to expose someone who is living a life against what the church stands for? Throughout the year, I have studied the Bible and have come across passages that would lead me to think one way or the other. I have prayed for the church and for the leadership and staff who I knew were dealing with things I had dealt with. Following scripture I prayed for my gaslighter. Even now, I find myself sad for him when I think of scripture such as James 3:1 "Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." And, I find myself sad for the opportunities missed by the lack of a true relationship with God or with people due to his inability to be honest with himself or others and misunderstanding of what a true relationship is. 

I attempted the first option for a year, quietly going on and building my new life, dealing with my father's illness and death, finding ways to care for my mother during her Alzheimer's diagnoses and loss of my dad. But, watching my friends suffer, watching the church I love losing people, knowing the unethical things going on behind the scenes, I am compelled to speak up. I don't want another person suffering, another church suffering, or another person being misled about the message of God. So, here I am speaking up. I was a victim of abuse, gaslighted by the pastor while working in ministry. I was not the first. I was not the last. I hope I can lessen the damage he could create and help the hurt to heal by acknowledging their experiences. 

So, where was God this past two years? He was right in front of me leading me to where I am today, sometimes I felt Him beside me, other times I felt as if I could actually feel Him hugging me, and sometimes He was in the people around me who have been supporting me throughout this time. 
Blessings,
Jennifer 

Learning

Looking on here, I see it's been over 2 months since I've written a blog. So much has happened in the world in these months! I came here with the thought of writing something else, but I can't ignore what has happened. People are living in fear and dying because of the color of their skin?! What is wrong with people that think this is the way we are supposed to be living?!
I'm both heartbroken and hopeful that things will be changing for the better. I'm heartbroken that things had to get to the point that they did, that eyes weren't open before, but now that they are, I am hoping that things change. We can't look the other way anymore. When I say we, I mean we. I was one of the ones with eyes not wide open... seeing some things, but not seeing or realizing the horror that racism has created. It has to stop!
I've been reading and listening and researching. I'm amazed at the hate that I've seen. I'm confused at times as I hear mixed messages depending on who I listen to, but above it all, I know I have to discern how I can best show love. I understand how that can sometimes be hard to do in random circumstances, but in this time, I don't understand how anyone can not do their best to try.
I am saddened by the hurt I see.
Right now, that's all I can say about this. I'm still in the listening and learning process. I hope you will join me.
So, where do I see God in this? I see Him in the words He commanded as we look for ways to move forward. Love one another!
Blessings,
Jennifer

Birthday

I haven't been looking forward to my birthday this year. This is the year of the firsts and I didn't want this one any more than I want any of them. The week before my birthday week, I was struggling. My dad was 85 this year and I was about to be 45... somehow these numbers made me feel it would be even harder by being even easier to remember in years to come.
Don't get me wrong. There were moments when I was thinking it would all be fine and I'd have a good day. So, I struggled mainly between thinking I wanted to pretend my birthday wasn't happening and looking forward to hearing from friends and family. Facebook really doesn't allow for pretending it's not happening. ;) I talked to a friend about it and just voicing my thoughts made it seem a little more ok.
Then, my birthday week came. Monday... just like any other Monday. Off to work and then stopping at the gas station. I hadn't needed gas for weeks and I was on empty. I stopped at the pump and put the number in to get my discount. We rarely used it so it was more than usual. And, there it was! My first miracle of the week! My gas was 97 cents! Yep! Seriously! When was the last time I paid .97?!
Now, you may not know this, but my dad and I regularly discussed gas prices. He got a higher discount on weekends at his favorite gas station so he often insisted I get gas there because he didn't need gas and wanted to give me his discount that weekend. We compared Indiana to Illinois prices, especially after the recent Illinois gas tax increase. And, I'm pretty sure it would take a miracle for me to get gas that cheap. He obviously pulled a few strings up there! At least, I'd like to think this was my dad's way of telling me happy birthday!
But, it still wouldn't be the same. I mean, I haven't seen my mom and sister and her family for 2 months, which has been hard enough. I got so used to seeing them every weekend and then we had to rely on facebook calling. It's just not the same. So, not seeing them for my birthday was making a bad situation worse. But, I know the most important thing is keeping family safe from the virus. I get it and have been completely willing to wait.
Then came the perfect storm. Well, that's a bad way to put it. But, a continuous downpour along with plumbing issues on an old house equals just about one of the only reasons I would head to Illinois during this time. The basement flooded and water filled the basement with water reaching the top of the bottom step. This basement holds an accumulation from generations of family, both treasures and otherwise. So, my sister did all the research and calling to get things taken care of.. plumbers, water restoraton company, dumpster, and even shelving units and bins ordered, all taken care of within the day. By that night, I was headed to Illinois to get started on the big job of  THE BASEMENT! It happened to be the night before my birthday.
What I didn't know until shortly before I arrived was that my sister had planned to surprise me with a socially distant gift of dnuts from my favorite donut place! Instead, I got to have them fresh for breakfast on my birthday!
When I started looking at everything in the basement, I found some treasures I had no idea were don there. I had not seen my high school jacket since shortly after I graduated from high school and moved. I had wondered where it went and had looked for it. But, there it was in plain sight. I'd just never noticed before.
My grandma and I were extremely close. I knew some of her things were down there and it was a blessing to go through them and relive the memories we shared. I was grabbing some of the kitchen utensils and I jumped. Now, the basement is not pretty. Bugs, and other things obviously had made their homes there at some point. But, I had been lucky so far and not seen anything other than a huge centipede looking thing (ugh!), until I saw the biggest fly ever on the kitchen things. So, I jumped and dropped the spoon. But, the fly never moved. With my gloved hand, I tried to get it to go away but it was stuck. And, then I heard my grandma laughing... and laughing... and laughing! I used to love when my grandma got the giggles because she couldn't stop and it was contagious and everyone would end up laughing. And, I knew that was happening up in heaven right then! My grandma had a spoon that looked like it had a fly landing on it and loved to think about what would happen if she played a joke on someone. I don't remember her ever doing it, but I distinctly remember her talking about it an getting the giggles. Thank you grandma! You always knew what I needed, even when I didn't!
Throughout the day, I received greetings of love and happiness from friends and family, both on facebook and texts, calls, and cards. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life!
I spent my time in the basement and tried to stay socially distant from my mom. Luckily, a good friend had given me some masks to wear and I made sure I had one on. It was just good to see her and be in the house with her. I also got to spend time talking with my sister, going through treasures and sharing memories. It was the best way I could spend the day, seeing things from my childhood, seeing things I'd forgotten about, and learning things by going through things I hadn't seen before. I also got to spend time with my brother-in-law and nieces and nephew.
I had to work so I left early in the afternoon. Some would be sad to have to work on their birthday, but it was actually the thing I was most looking forward to the previous week when I was struggling. It always brings me joy to spend time with such awesome people! I arrived home to see a beautiful bouquet of flowers that had been delivered from my wonderful husband who had been so understanding throughout the whole time. I couldn't ask for anything better than that!
Then, I saw a gift bag filled with homemade cookies and a gift card for Culver's! My wonderful friends know me so well!
After work, another friend had asked me to stop by so she could give me something. I arrived to be greeted by the best birthday card ever! My former foster puppy came out with a happy birthday sign around his neck, the cutest thing ever! Following him was a dinosaur, aka my friend's husband, and then her daughter gave me a bag of goodies. I was just so happy to see them and be able to socially distantly talk to them! I arrived home to find out there were not only homemade cupcakes but cards the kids made and hair products! Originally, I was supposed to get my hair done on my birthday, but this was the next best thing!
Never would I have expected any of the adventures throughout my birthday week. But, tonight I am feeling grateful for each one of the people who made it special. I don't know where I would be without them.
So, where was God this week? He was in the people who made me feel loved, in the little miracles all around me, and in the unexpected surprises I got for my birthday!
Blessings,
Jennifer

Changes

I began this several weeks ago and then got sidetracked only to come back weeks later realizing I needed to finish my thoughts.
Life has dramatically changed in just a weeks time! Life seems so uncertain and unbelievable. If someone would have told me a month ago that restaurants would close to dine-in guests, churches would cancel services, and people would be fighting over toilet paper, I wouldn't have believed it. Would you? We're all in the same boat. We are all wondering what tomorrow would bring. We all wonder how we will get groceries if everything closes. And, we are all worried about getting the virus as we sing "happy birthday" while washing our hands.
We all have a choice when we wake up in the morning. Will we worry as we think of all of the things that we're missing out on, the things that have changed, and the things we can't get right now? Or, will we think of all of the ways we are grateful in this time of uncertainty? I choose to be grateful.
While I am learning about social distancing, I am also learning to slow down. While I am one of the blessed who is still able to work, I am finding that my home time is increasing.
It's times like this that help me realize what is important. What am I ok doing without? What do I miss the most? What am I glad I don't have to deal with now? These are questions we all should be asking so that when this time of social distancing ends- and it will end- how can we live better? We might as well learn something from this experience.
I have noticed several things since writing the beginning paragraphs of this post.
While initially in a state of shock, I wasn't surprised at all when schools were announced closed until September, when stores decided to limit paper products, or even the limit of people in a store at a time. Things have become a new normal in a pretty short amount of time.
I have seen churches become more of an outreach than ever before- not in mission as much as sharing the message. Although some are still mission focused, it's more of a challenge to do mission while socially distancing. But, every time I open social media, I see churches posting messages of hope, sharing their services online, sharing devotions, and sharing music so much more than ever before! How many more people are being reached through these posts? This shouldn't end when social distancing ends! I was just talking to someone who was turning on a service from last Sunday an hour away. What wonderful opportunities to reach people, to go back and listen again to something that touched us, to share with someone we think would love to hear some part of a service! I just colored two pictures for Palm Sunday. I see people posting pictures that I never would have seen before for 2 reasons. Churches wouldn't always think to offer coloring to the congregation and people wouldn't always post pictures of their masterpieces! Not that those things don't happen at all, but not in such numbers.
I've succumbed to the world of face time. I have never liked video chatting and, in fact, if anyone ever called me on it, I would immediately hang up on them. It just felt awkward and I was never ready to chat and be seen. But, last weekend, someone called and we had a great conversation and I loved seeing her face and getting a glimpse into her world for a time. Then, I scheduled a facetime with my sister so I could see my mom and say hi to her. I miss my weekly visits to see her so much and it was a blessing to see her even if she wasn't talkative. I can't wait to see her again! And, of course, to catch up with my sister to find out how things are going there.
I'm also doing several Bible studies through online connections. While social distancing, there are some ways that we can become more connected because we are seeking ways to connect. I'm doing a weekly Bible study through webex and several daily studies through marco polo conversations. It's been awesome to have conversations with people who live near and far and who may not otherwise have become connected.
We have more time to "just be". Of course, parents with young children may not be able to experience this, but for the rest of us, spending more time at home and being able to get things done or spending time with the people in our own homes is something we don't always get. Everyone always has to go here or there... until now when everything is closed. I know my dogs are pretty excited about this!
There are things I miss dearly and that I'm sad I can't have right now. Spending time with people I love is something I have always treasured, but treasure even more now. My weekly Sunday/ now Friday night adventures at Culver's with friends is one of those things. We have tried to figure out a safe way to do it and have thought about online options, but nothing beats the time together. Just like my weekends with family and staying with my mom... online visits have to do but I can't wait until I can hug my mom again!
I am sad for all of the celebrations during this time, both joyful and otherwise. A friend passed away this morning and I wonder what kind of celebration of life can happen in these times. Birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc. all happen with much less fanfare. But, I've also seen awesome ways people have reached out and communities have reached out to celebrate each other, to thank those who are working, and to do what they can to make things better. Bears, hearts, and rainbows have appeared on windows to bring smiles to people passing by.
So, in the midst of all of the unknowns we are facing, I choose to see a glass half full. Our lives are changing and terrible things are happening. But, some of the changes I'm seeing are a blessing. Maybe it's time we slow down, spend more time together, focus on what's really important, and stop taking things for granted. And, in an ever-changing world, one thing that doesn't change is love. We are still loved and we still love others, and God still loves us. We can show our love for God by finding ways to love others through the hard times.
So, where is God today? He is right there with us just as He was before Covid-19- He never changes even if the world around us does.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Reports

Last weekend, I continued to go through papers and things at my parents. It's always a random experience. What I mean is, I find things like old pictures, a letter from my grandpa to my grandma in 1955, and church things from my parents. Then there are the things that fill the recycling container- things I wonder why they sat there taking up space for so long. Last Sunday, I found something that I didn't know existed- that I'd forgotten existed- that part of me wishes didn't exist- that part of me is grateful for the reminder of what could have been so I can remember how blessed I truly am.
I love my life! I am blessed to not only have one job that I like, but I have several jobs and I love them all! As I have transitioned out of a church job and my life has dramatically changed, I now have several churches that I am somehow connected to and I love them all. I feel my relationship with God has grown stronger as I've chosen to seek Him in my times of struggle over the past year. I have a roof over my head and food on my table and clean clothes in my dresser. I have friends who I love and who I know love me. Most of all, I am blessed with a wonderful husband, an amazing son, and an awesome family surrounding me. I am grateful.
But, those blessings were not always the case. So, this message is for anyone who doesn't feel those blessings. Or, if a loved one doesn't realize those blessings are attainable because their judgement is clouded right now.
I found police reports. Two of them. One was my parents and the other was mine.
The fact was, I was already trying to escape. But, I wasn't doing a great job of it. I wanted the husband and kids, the white picket house, and a dog. I was going to do anything to make that happen- even stay and make it happen. Afterall, if I wouldn't do things to make him so mad, none of the stuff would happen, right? But, it did. Again and again. The words were cutting, the violence not to the point of going to the hospital, my self esteem went to nothing. I couldn't leave. Who else would want a woman with a baby?
That's the life I knew. It was nothing like I imagined, coming from a home where my parents never fought. I didn't know what was happening and then suddenly, there I was the victim of domestic abuse. How did that happen?
So many people look at situations and wonder why people stay. I'm sure there are lots of different reasons. But, for me, I thought I saw potential and I thought I could make it work, and I never wanted to admit that I failed. And, it happens so suddenly and so gradually at the same time. I woke up one morning and that was my new normal. I still worked, went to church, and most importantly, I took care of our son. And, life just went on that way.
One day, when I realized if I stayed, our son would think it was ok, I decided it was time for me to go. I would have stayed, but I wanted him to be safe and raised to know right from wrong. So, with the help of my sister, I packed up our things and I left. We went straight to my parents house, not giving any hint of where we were going because I knew that's what I had to do.
But, eventually, he found us. I couldn't file for divorce without letting him know where we were. And, so the police reports. Even though I left, I still didn't admit I was the victim of abuse. Not until the day of that police report. That was the day I almost died in a car accident because I let him in again and he was angry enough to grab the steering wheel while I was driving to swerve us into oncoming traffic. I got control just in time to avoid a head on collision with a white van. The three of us would have been seriously injured if not dead if I had not gained control. That was the day I told my parents the truth as I reported the truth to the police officer.
My parents also filed a report later for the harrassment they continually endured from him since I had moved out of town by then. They were his easiest target. They, too, were able to get a restraining order.
I understand the AA theory of "the first step is admitting..". It was true for me. I've spent the rest of my life trying to help children and teens find a better path than I took. I've talked to teens struggling and they look at me as if I don't have a care in the world- like life has been easy. And, so I tell them the truth. That was where I was going... but this is where I am now. There is hope. There is a chance to change direction. We all deserve more than that.
If you know someone who is struggling, and you can't understand why they won't get out, it's so much harder than you think while you're in the struggle. But, I can tell you that your love and support still matter. And, when they do come out, maybe even for a short time before going back, be there to hug them and tell them they are loved.
If you are in this struggle, I understand your conflicted pain. But, I want you to know you are worth more than that person is able to give you. There is so much more to life if you can just change direction and take a different path. There is hope... and love... and life...such a wonderful life waiting for you!
So, I guess those reports reminded me of how blessed I am for taking a different path, a reminder of what might have been and what is. And, a reminder that it's not what happens in life, but how we handle it afterwards. So, I will continue to do what I can to help those who need it and to be grateful for each moment I have.
So, where was God in this? Even when I felt far away from Him, He was there and He helped me through. Today, He gives me opportunities to help others.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Treasure

I wonder when I will stop looking at the calendar on the 8th of every month and thinking of how many months since I lost my dad on December 8th... 2 months ago today.
I go through times of being ok... and then times when I'm incredibly sad. Usually, there is no reason for the switch to incredibly sad. It just is.
I've written a lot about my dad. But, I haven't mentioned my mom much. She's still here. But, the mom I had growing up isn't. She has alzheimers. It has gotten worse in the last year... losing my dad didn't help any. I wonder how much my dad just took care of her and we didn't realize.
Every week, I spend time with her and she is content. That's a blessing! She rarely gets upset and she seems happy to just go with the flow of things. Last weekend, she called me by my name. At least in that moment in time, she knew who I was!
As part of my time during my weekend visits to my parent's house (it will always be my parent's house even though my dad is gone. I just can't bring myself to call it "my mom's house") I've been cleaning, sorting, organizing, and trying to figure out what to do with things we don't need anymore. My current project is what has always been called the music room. The piano, music, books, games, and puzzles have called that room their home for years. I have found a lot of recycling during my time in there. But, I have also found so many treasures! Books I never knew we had, games I remember playing as a child, music books I had when I was learning to play the piano. I've found pictures that made me smile, laugh, and remember. I found awards I received in high school, my sister's college project that was a scrapbook of her life, so many memories in that little room!
Then, there are the things I didn't remember. The ones I think I will treasure the most. I have discovered Bibles. I've found Bibles given to my grandparents on special occasions, Bibles my parents used, Bibles that were practically in pieces they were so used and loved. I found a Laotian Bible that was from the Gideons. My dad's boss was a Gideon and probably gave it to my dad in case he needed to give it to some of the Laotian families that went to my church growing up. There's a Spanish Bible, too. I've only found one that was written in. My mom must have used it while studying for a class she was taking. It's highlighted and has notes written in it. I can't wait to sit down and read my mom's words and see what she wanted to make sure she remembered and her thoughts while studying.
A few weeks ago, I found a Bible with one piece of paper in it. I opened it up, looked at the paper and realized it was a Sunday School lesson she had planned. How could I tell? It was exactly the way I write my Sunday School plans! I'd never seen it before or any lesson she wrote. But, somehow, they were the same. A few months ago, as I was reading the major prophets, I was struggling through Jeremiah. Both my mom and I share a favorite verse that comes from Jeremiah so I had looked forward to reading Jeremiah... until I got there. I prayed to find a way to have the rest of Jeremiah speak to me the way Jeremiah 29:11 does. Then, while going through things, I found a devotion my mom had written from another verse in Jeremiah. And, it changed my perspective and helped me as I read the rest of Jeremiah.
I'm finding books my parents must have used in adult Sunday School classes that they took. I look forward to reading them and seeing what their thoughts were.
My dad is gone. My mom isn't the same. But, I feel like these treasures give me a chance to get to know them and feel even closer to them than I did before. I can spend time with them as they were on their walk with Jesus. Don't get me wrong. I saw them walk with Jesus every day of my life in the way they acted, in the way they led by example reading scripture as a family, praying together, and treating people as God wanted. But, there is something special to me about reading their words.
So, where was God in this? He knows my pain and saddness and I feel like He has given me this gift.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Seatbelt

Last Friday, I got the dreaded text- you know the one every mom fears. "Mom, I was in an accident." Of course, I got the text while I was at work and I couldn't do a thing to help him. He told me he was fine and didn't get hurt at all. I didn't believe him and wanted to see with my own eyes that he was ok. Praise God both he and the driver were fine. The van was not, but that's replaceable.
After I had a chance to talk to him, I found out the weather and slippery conditions had caused the van to skid about te length of a football field before rolling and eventually landing with the passenger side up. My son was hanging from his seatbelt for what he thinks was about five minutes before he was able to get out with the help of some people passing by who stopped to help who were able to pull him out. The driver was then pulled out through the driver side by the good samaritan's passing by. They were safe and didn't even feel pain the next day. My son thought he might get a bruise where the seatbelt had held him in so tightly, but that's a small price to pay for saving his life.
As most mother's would do, I thought about this often in the next few days. I just kept thinking how grateful I was that he was wearing his seatbelt. That was something I was trained to do as a child and instilled in him and anyone who ever rode in my car. Before my car would move, seatbelts had to be on. I had to hear the click. And, as annoying as it was to some of my passengers at the time, I hope they realized I insisted because I cared about them and their safety.
I thought about how I instilled that into my son. Any young child would have rather been able to be free throughout the car, never wanting to be secured in one spot for the car rides. But, after years and years, it became a habit and one that, luckily, my son still practices today at 25.
Shouldn't our spiritual practices be the same? I recently got new Bibles for the children at church so Bible reading for children has been on my mind. If yo asked most children what they want to do, Bible reading probably wouldn't top their list. But, that doesn't make it any less important. We have to make it a habit at a young age, teaching them about the Bible and how to use it, so that when they are 25, they can continue to read the Bible and rely on it. Who knows? Someday, it might just save their lives.
That's why church and Sunday school is so important  for children. It helps instill lessons they can use throughout their lives. And, maybe they won't always seem like they are paying attention. But, when it comes down to it, when they are struggling, when they feel trapped and stuck, the words they learned as a child just might pull them out of it.
So, where was God that day? He was with my son and his friend when they put their seatbelts on.
Blessings,
Jennifer

ok

It's a new year. I was recently reminded of a challenge from years ago by a sermon from a great pastor. We were to achieve 101 goals in 1,001 days. I struggled with the first goal of having 101 goals. But, I'm thinking of writing down a list and seeing how many I can achieve. Almost everything in my life has changed in 2019. At the beginning of 2019, I wouldn't have guessed that I would be starting a new job in a different field, that I would end the year without my dad, that so many things would be so different. But, here we are beginning a new year with so many new things, a new normal. This will be "the year of firsts", all of the first holidays without my dad. New Year's Day seemed harder than Christmas. Maybe it's because New Year's Day was the holiday when I got to host and have my family come to my house. But, nobody came this year. I got to spend time visiting my family, eating and playing games, and we had a great time together. It was in the quiet times, the car rides, that I had no choice but to think about the changes from last year. But, I've decided to keep some traditions, even through the changes. 

Throughout the 10 years I was in youth ministry, we started the new year with a project. We would think about the year ahead and then we each would think about our own lives, our goals, and where we would want to be at the end of the year. Then we would write it down and hang it up somewhere where we would see it throughout the year to remind ourselves what our focus for the year was.

Each year, we would choose a word and a scripture. Looking back, my word for 2019 impacted my life in a big way. My word was "Intentional" and I was very intentional in a lot of the things I did. It changed my life for the better, and I am so glad I decided to make it have such an impact. 

I was very intentional in the choices I made. I chose to leave a toxic situation and the moment that I did, it was like God said "It's about time! Look what I have for you, now!" What a blessing it has been to not have the toxicity filling my life and to instead have opportunities to love and be loved and to share God's love with others in so many ways! 

I was very intentional in my family relationships, mainly with my parents. I had decided in the summer of 2018 that I would visit my parents weekly. While my work schedule changed mid- year, I made sure to keep this decision intact and I am so grateful for the time I had with my parents in 2019, including a trip to New York for a family reunion. 

The tough thing now is to choose my word for 2020. The word has some big shoes to fill after last year's word that impacted me so greatly. I've been thinking for awhile now and hearing other people's words to see if I could come up with the perfect word for 2020. 

And, therein lies the problem. I can't come up with a perfect word. Not everything is perfect. Not everything is even good right now. In fact, I'm lucky to be ok. And, there it is. The word I keep coming back to after trying on every word I could think of. Yep, so much less significant than "intentional". Ok. Yet, right now is has great significance for me for several reasons. 

I'm taking each day as it comes and working at being ok. But, in the times that I struggle, I know it's ok to not be ok. 

Another reason this word is significant has to do with one of my greatest and worst traits. I am a perfectionist. I come by it honestly, as my dad was a perfectionist, too. Sometimes being a perfectionist is a great thing as I try to get things right and I rarely portray this trait on to anyone else. It's only myself that I'm hard on. And, sometimes, I'm harder on myself than I should be. I expect too much and have a fear of failure. So, I need to remind myself that sometimes things aren't perfect and sometimes ok is good enough. 

So, after trying on so many words for size, my tiny little word for 2020, the start of this new decade, is "ok". 

I've been so focused on my word that I hadn't thought much about my scripture verse. Some years my scripture verse is more significant than other years. The year I chose James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.", I immediately thought "Oh, no! What have I done? How many trials will I face this year now?" Luckily, it was a good year and I didn't face any memorable, terrible trials that year. So, today as I was driving home from church, I was thinking about different verses that might be good for the year ahead. I thought of several verses that talk about God being with us, about resting and peace. And, then I thought of the perfect verse for this year. Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." I love this verse right now. First of all, it brings me comfort and reminds me that it's ok and God is there to comfort me. But, secondly, it reminds me that not only does God want me to be comforted, but He wants me to comfort others. What I have learned in the last 1 1/2 months, is that there are so many ways to comfort others that I hadn't thought of before I experienced it. So, this year, I hope to focus on comforting others as a way to be God's hands and feet while I also experience God's hands and feet by comforting and being comforted. 

The last part of my yearly project is to have goals in several different areas of my life. This year, I will have goals in "family", "work", "spiritual", "health", and "self-care". They are a work in progress just as I am a work in progress... and that's ok.

Blessings,

Jennifer