Love

4th Sunday in advent- Love
As we begin the 4th week of advent, I have so many things running through my mind. I've been writing this post in my head all week, but now can't remember everything I wanted to say. So, here is my rambling snipets... thoughts and stories of love from the past month.

I've noticed so many posts on facebook about dealing with loss during the holidays. I suppose they were always there and before I used to scroll by them because they didn't pertain to me. Now I read them all. People told me things to expect. I didn't understand them. Now I do. I thought I'd dealt with loss before. I have. But, nothing compared to this. I want to go to all the people I remember who experienced this loss and say I'm sorry I didn't understand the pain you were going through. Maybe I would have done something more?
A friend told me I would start thinking differently- that I would think "before dad died" and "after dad died". It's true. I do. I didn't even realize I was doing it at first. This is the first Christmas "after dad died". Yep. I can keep trying but it's not getting any easier to think about.
I am incredibly sad. I don't mean incredible as "a whole lot". I mean incredible as "I never would believe it". I didn't cry much at the visitation or the funeral. But, I looked at my almost empty gas gauge and could hardly breathe. When I was in Joliet on the weekends, my dad took great joy in sharing his 6 cent discount for gas when I needed gas while visiting. It's odd how things I would think would upset me don't and other things that seem so little have me bawling.
What does all of this rambling have to do with the 4th Sunday of advent? Well, I have a few ideas. The first is that if I had a choice, would I choose to go through this pain if I could grow up with such love? Absolutely! That thought has gotten me through a few times in the last couple of weeks. I'm grateful for the love my dad had for me and the love I had for my dad. I know he knew I loved him. There was never a doubt. To those of you who are angry, have lost relationships with parents, family, or friends, will you be so lucky? Sometimes, things happen and we don't expect to lose them suddenly. We think someday we will work it out. Maybe. But, maybe you won't have that opportunity. I couldn't imagine going through this pain and adding to it the guilt of not having had those important conversations. So, reach out and connect with family and friends who you need to forgive or to ask for forgiveness.
Next, if you're reading this, I'm probably talking about you. I don't always show it right now. Some days, it's hard to express, hard to even communicate. But, I feel the love. In fact, I don't know what I would do without it. It's been so amazing to feel so much love around me. It's an odd feeling to be both overwhelmingly sad and overwhelmingly loved. But, that's the best way to describe life right now. Some have sent a card, flowers, some random token as an expression of love. Some have called and we've talked, while some have called and I haven't been able to talk. I'm sorry and don't mean to ignore anyone. Kind words and promises of prayers mean so much. Today, at church someone came up to me with condolences and said my dad was the first person he met when he came to the church and what a good man he was. I loved hearing that.
One thing I have learned through this is that it's best just to do things. If someone asks, I'm going to say I'm ok. I'm not. If someone asks what I need, I need nothing. If someone shows up and has dinner or cookies, I'll eat them and be grateful not to have to think about what to do. I will read every word of every card or message I get, and I will appreciate whatever ways people reach out. So, if I haven't told you, thank you!
From now on, my goal is to just do whatever I think might be helpful or comforting to someone struggling.
I can't write about love right now without talking about my parents love. They were married for 47 years. I don't remember growing up and hearing them ever fight. Seriously! They didn't even argue. Growing up my dad worked and was gone all day and my mom worked some while we were in school. But, mom always cooked unless my dad grilled outside. They took care of each other. In the last few years, they have both had their share of health issues and have continued to take care of each other. In the last couple of years, my mom has been showing more and more signs of Alzheimers. As she has progressed, she depended more and more on my dad. She followed his lead on things, needed him to take care of things like meals, and depended on him being with her all of the time. He gave her a sense of security. My dad did everything he was able to do to take care of her.
In the last few weeks of his life, my dad was very concerned about my mom. In fact, I'm sure my dad stayed as long as he could because he didn't want to leave my mom. He was upset that he was leaving her when she needed to be taken care of. My mom spent the last few weeks of his life spending the days with him and leaving to go home at night until he came home. Once my dad came home, it was easier for them to be together. She told visitors that he was getting better. She had no idea how serious things were even though she heard the doctors tell us the reports. The thought of my dad soon not being here never occurred to her.
My mom spent her time in her recliner while my dad laid in a hospital bed set up where his recliner had been. The evening my dad died, my mom was on the couch next to his bed instead of her recliner. She never sits on the couch. She didn't say anything, just sat there, closer to him. His breathing changed and I knew the end was near. Then, my sister and I looked at each other and I got up to check, afraid of the answer I would get. My dad was gone and I lost it. My mom was confused and I vaguely heard my sister telling her. Then, the three of us were together, huddled around my dad. My mom kept repeating "I love you so". Then, as the three of us stood there, I realized my mom was there, like really there. She was comforting us as she was grieving, herself. She was being my mom. She knew what was happening and who we were. I feel like for that brief time, her love for my dad and her love for us overcame her disease. Maybe it was a gift from God, or from my dad. I don't know, but I needed it.
Now, we have to regularly remind my mom that he has passed. When she's out in familiar places, like church, where she's used to him being with her, she looks for him. When we tell her dad isn't there and that he passed, she always says "oh yeah, now I remember". After 47 years of being together, I don't think she will ever get used to him not being with her.
Next thought. I'm not alone. I've never been alone. I've always had a friend, a playmate, someone to look up to and have fun with. I have a big sister. I don't know what I'd do without her! A few months ago, I changed her ringtone to the "Sisters" song from White Christmas. When my phone rings, I hear "Sisters. Sisters. There were never such devoted sisters." At the time, it was amusing. In the last month, I've realized even more how true this is. This has been a crazy time. But, through everything, my sister and I have been working together. There were things that needed to be done and we just did them. We didn't even talk about it, we just both stepped up to do what we could. We agreed on what my parents needed and thankfully we were able to do it. In a crazy, stressful time, I'm so grateful to have my sister by my side. As we continue to care for my mom, I'm so grateful for her. I know I can always talk to her and that she will understand. Sisterly love is helping me get through this time.
We aren't decorating for Christmas. Tonight I bought my first Christmas things this season. Christmas isn't going to be like any other Christmas has been. But one of the things I read today struck me. We can have the most beautiful decorations, the best gifts, and the most picture perfect celebration, but if you don't have Christ in Christmas, then you don't have Christmas. I don't have beautiful decorations, the best gifts, or plans for the perfect celebration. But, I do have Christ this Christmas. I am grateful even more this Christmas for Jesus coming to save us and knowing we can go to heaven. Through all of the struggles I've had lately, I know God is with me. His love for me will help me through when I don't think I can. How do I know? Because I see His love for me through all of the people around me that he's working through.
So, where was God today, this month? You are God's hands and feet, His voice, His arms to hug me when I need it. Thank you!
Blessings,
Jennifer

Dad

I know some weren't able to be at the service today so I'm sharing what I wrote and read for my dad today.

How do I sum up my dad? He taught me so much and I have been so blessed to have the relationship with my dad and with my family that I do. I am who I am because of the way he raised me and because of the role model that he has always been for me. 

My dad was my biggest supporter and encourager, sometimes just listening, sometimes just saying a few words that made all the difference. When I started writing my blog, I knew he read every word. When I recently switched jobs, he listened as I talked and let me know I was doing the right thing. Even when I made mistakes, I knew he loved me anyway.

My dad was a quiet man who thought about what he said before he said it. So, when he spoke, I listened. But, just when you least expected it, his dry sense of humor would come out! 

In these last few weeks, my dad wanted to make sure that everyone knew that even in this time, he hadn’t lost his sense of humor! All of the nurses and staff, the family and friends who visited, and anyone around him were all gifted with his words of wisdom and stories. He told us we could use them all for his funeral. I told him that the funeral would last 10 hours! With a smile he said “well, I think I’m worth it!” I agreed. So, sit back, relax, and get comfortable! Just kidding!

My dad loved his family. We never had any doubt. He and my mom were married for 47 wonderful years and had a relationship that gave my sister and me an example of what our marriages should be like. They loved each other, took care of each other, and enjoyed spending time together. I remember as a kid, whenever my dad worked out of town, he called my mom every night. He always filled the car with gas so my mom wouldn’t have to do it. He did so many things to show his love for my mom.

Just this past summer, we spent a week at a family reunion enjoying several of the things he loved best. Family, vacation, and time on the water. 

For 2 years, my dad had talked about the previous reunion when he was about to go on a jetski ride but couldn’t because the weather shifted. So, he was determined that this would be the time! And it was! At 84, my dad had a blast riding the jetski on Lake Ontario, waving to us as he and my cousin flew by! Afterwards, he decided since he already had his suit on, it was time for a swim. I’m not a fan of the cold water, but if my dad could do it, I figured I could top. So, together, we hung out swimming in the lake. After that, we warmed up in the hot tub. What a day that was! What joy my dad had remembering that time and telling people of his adventure!

Every summer, we would spend a lot of weekends camping! We had so much fun in our little trailer! Vacations spent at Dewey Lake were a part of our childhood that I will always treasure. In later years, they had a pop-up trailer and would go camping with a group from the church. When they weren’t out with them, they enjoyed going out to leisure lakes to sit outside by the lake.

My dad also loved God and his church. His faith in God was something I always looked up to. When I was younger, I remember my dad looking for a job after the machine shop closed. He would go to seminars that talked about things to do to help find a job. He was told not to put any of his church involvement in his resume. My dad didn’t agree with this and kept it in there. When he found a job, his boss told him that was one of the reasons he stood out. His boss was a Gideon and I know God put my dad there with a boss who was also a Christian. That impacted me so much and has been an example for me to follow. Never deny faith in God, and live out that faith by serving others. 

Each night as my dad would pray at dinner, he would say “bless this food to our bodies and us to thy service.” In his last weeks, he was troubled that he felt he was no longer serving God. I told him there were different ways to serve and sometimes the way to serve was to let others serve or learn from him. He told me I sounded like a church worker and we both laughed. 

Dad was always serving at the church in some way or another, as an elder, in the choir, and even as interim director for the choir and bell choir, among other things. More recently, he spent countless hours as the treasurer for the church. Serving God by serving others was just natural for me to do because it’s how we grew up. 

My dad was a perfectionist… especially when it came to mowing the lawn and trimming the bushes. I remember working outside for what seemed like forever growing up. Recently, when I would go to my parents and do yardwork, my dad would come outside with me and bring a lawn chair and sit down while I worked. At first I thought it was the perfectionist in him coming out to make sure I did things right, but I realized it wasn’t that. He just wanted to sit out there with me. Outside worktime was also much shorter than when I was growing up. After maybe an hour, he would say, “I think you’ve gotten a lot done. We should go inside now.” I would think to myself that I wanted to stay outside and do more (afterall, I got my perfectionist tendencies from him) but I would go inside with him, thinking that I wished working outside was this short when I was a kid! 

He loved music! He would listen to songs on the radio and direct from his seat because he remembered directing that piece when he was in band in high school. He loved Sousa marches, classical music, hymns and choral music. I remember singing in the Messiah and when we would get to the Amen chorus, I knew I couldn’t look at my dad because he would be teary, which would make me teary, which made singing the Amen chorus pretty difficult. In his last days, we played music to comfort and relax him. 

When Rafael was born, my dad was so excited to be a grandpa! We went to Bakers Square for dinner the night before Rafael was born. I felt like I was having contractions but I wanted heath bar pie so I didn’t mention it. Afterwards, my dad decided we would stop at Menards so I thought I better let them know. Who knows how long he’d spend there! I told them. We went anyway, but probably didn’t stay long. When we got to the hospital, the engineer in my dad came out. He was fascinated by the machine that told us when a contraction was coming. So, he told me whenever I was getting one. (in case I didn’t know, I guess ;) ) Always using his engineering mind! 

The last time Rafael went to see him, as Rafael was leaving, my dad worked to get his hand out from under the blankets, no longer an easy thing for him to do, so that he could shake Rafael’s hand. So much was said in that handshake.

Dad built Rafael a puppet stage, a swingset, and made many beautiful things out of wood throughout his life. He loved figuring out how to make things… and we could be assured he was going to use his cad program! He even used it to create blank templates for his sudoku game he did every day.   

His illness was quick and I spent 2 weeks in shock at what was happening. But, I am so grateful that even in his last days, my dad knew what was going on, had his mind, had his sense of humor, and had his faith in God. And he knee that we loved him.

I am so grateful for the faith and love for God that my parents raised me to learn and know. Being raised in a home where God was just a part of our everyday lives was a blessing I can't begin to explain. And, in times like this, I am assured of a God who loves me and my family, and right now, even more important to me, I am assured that my God prepared a wonderful place for my dad. When he arrived, he no longer felt pain. Talking just last week, my dad quoted from the Bible of God preparing a place and that in heaven there would be no more tears. Knowing that my dad has this peace and knowing that he is with Jesus gives me some comfort. 

I love you dad! See you when I get there!

Joy

Today is the 3rd Sunday of advent- Joy! At first, thinking about everything going on right now, it's hard to find joy. It's been a week since my dad passed and I feel like I'm in a daze. It still doesn't seem possible. As I drove to Joliet last night, I struggled, thinking about how each week I would usually call my dad on my way. Then, as I walked in the house I would be greeted by my parents and then I would sit down and we would talk about the week we had and plans for the weekend. I can't do that anymore and it's hard... really hard. Things will never be the same again.
But, I can't stop there. I can't dwell on that for too long. I can see now how people can withdraw and shut people out. But, I have to seek God in this time. And, in this season of advent, I have to look for the joy!
It doesn't take long for me to find it once I start looking. I am getting constant reminders of the joy around me. It's in the friends and family that have surrounded us during this time. I've gotten messages, cards, phone calls, and surprises throughout the last few weeks and they have kept me going. I know that God is holding me up by using the love of those around me. Without that, I wouldn't be able to handle anything. I've been so touched by the ways people have shown up in my life to help me through this time. My employers have been awesome, the people from the churches I'm a part of in some way have all been so thoughtful in so many ways, family and friends have reached out, and so many people who loved my dad have shared stories with me.
Today was the visitation. We had pictures of my dad all around, a video of pictures of my dad, and family and friends coming to pay their respects to my dad. So many wonderful memories were in that room today! What joy those memories were filled with! I saw people I hadn't seen in forever and people I see all the time. I got to hear stories of my dad and hear how loved he was.
Tomorrow, we will have a celebration of his life. My sister and I have tried to make it a time to honor our dad and share the love we had for him with the people that will be there. I am counting on joy being a part of our day.
I can't guarantee that there won't be tears tomorrow. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that there will be tears. (Hopefully, I will get through speaking with a minimal amount of tears.) I know that there will be days ahead that will be really hard. But, I am grateful for the people in my life who I can count on to help me through those times.
So, where was God today? He was in the people who were a part of today, showing love for my dad and for me. And, he's been in the people around me the last few weeks helping me get through the hard days.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Peace

Peace... today is the 2nd Sunday in advent. I have loved focusing on the words or advent over the past years- especially as I was leading youth group and each Sunday we did activities to help us focus and experience each week.
Hope was easy. We always talked about bringing hope to others through helping those in need- Salvation Army bell ringing, making cards for people, etc. But, this year advent started out differently. It was just over 2 weeks ago when we found out my dad had 3 brain tumors.
Last Sunday, the 1st Sunday of advent, my focus of hope was on bringing hope to reality as we brought my dad home from hospice house. I had seen the look of hope in his eyes as he told me he wanted to go home and as we promised him that we would bring him home. We were blessed to make that happen.
Each year, leading the youth, peace was always different. There were always so many directions we could go- peace in the world, peace and forgiveness, peace and quiet time with God, the list goes on.
Every year for birthdays and Christmas my sister and I would ask my dad what he wanted. He would smile and say "peace and quiet". We would laugh and say that it was impossible and that he had to choose something else. (except for the year my sister got him 2 fish and named them peace and quiet)
Tonight, the 2nd Sunday in advent has a whole new existence in my mind and heart. This week, I watched my dad go from being able to talk to not responding, seeing him in pain, and knowing things would never be the same. They say hearing is the last sense to go. So, I talked, I read scripture, I played music, and I told him I loved him... a lot. I'm not sure if it was more to comfort my dad or me. As much as I saw him fading away, I felt him holding on. He didn't want to leave my mom. He wanted to take care of her, to be with her, to always help her through her illness. He held on as long as he could.
It's so quiet. For 2 weeks I've been listening to him breathe, listening to the hum of the oxygen, and now they're both silent. Tonight, he is at peace. He's no longer in pain, no longer worried. He's with Jesus.
I prayed for peace for him, asked others to pray for peace for him, told my dad all we wanted was for him to be at peace. Honestly, the instant he was gone I wanted to take it back, to tell my dad I was wrong and that he couldn't go because I wasn't going to be ok like I promised him I would. I'm not ok. But, I love my dad more than the pain of this moment. And, the promise of his peace and thinking of the amazing moment when he reached heaven will get me through and eventually, I will feel more peace than pain.
So, where was God today? He was welcoming my dad to heaven and showing him the place He prepared for him.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Learning

I sat down to write last night, but the screen remained blank. Earlier in the day I had thought of something I wanted to write about, but when I finally had a chance, I couldn't remember. There are too many things going on in my brain right now.
I sit here listening to the oxygen tank humming, my dad snoring, and my phone dinging that I got another message. The day has been hectic as caregivers and family have been by.
I've spent my days caring for my parents, cleaning and sorting through years and years of things that have accumulated in their house, and communicating with family and friends.
I read something on facebook yesterday that talked about it being an honor to care for our loved ones as they age and need more care. I definitely agree with that. Being able to spend this time together, being there to fulfill their needs, being one of the few to be able to tell if my dad is just breathing or whispering something and being able to understand it (most of the time) and being able to hold his hand and tell him I love him more times than I can count, is something I am grateful that I can do in these days. Would I rather he was well and could live forever? Absolutely! But, that's not possible. So, I am grateful for what I have been given.
My phone continues to ding- a message here, a text there, and emails. What would I do without these random words of thoughtfulness, the promises of prayer, and the questions and concern from loved ones? Honestly, I don't know what I would do. Thankfully, I don't have to find out! But, it makes me appreciate the people in my circles even more than I did before. It makes me aware of ways that have touched my heart like I have never felt before. It's teaching me how to better love others who are hurting, going through hard times, or overwhelmed because I am experiencing it first-hand.
Hospice has been amazing and I consider it to be a gift from God. Getting my dad into hospice house in a matter of a few hours when there are only 16 beds is nothing short of a miracle. Their way of taking care of both the patient and the family and friends is the epitome of radical hospitality! While staying there with my dad, I didn't have to think about anything I needed because they were caring for me, too. I got to just focus on my dad and our family. How can I care for others like that? How can I show radical hospitality to others going through things so that they can focus on their situation?
Last, but definitely not least, I am so grateful for the faith and love for God that my parents raised me to learn and know. Being raised in a home where God was just a part of our everyday lives was a blessing I can't begin to explain. And, in times like this, I am assured of a God who loves me and my family, and right now, even more important to me, I am assured that my God has prepared a wonderful place for my dad. When he arrives, he will no longer feel pain. Talking just last week, my dad quoted from the Bible of God preparing a place and that in heaven there would be no more tears. Knowing that my dad has this peace and knowing that he will be with Jesus gives me some comfort. This has instilled in me a rejuvenated calling to help those who don't have this peace. If I didn't have my faith and assurance in God, I would be struggling to deal with this even more than I already am. I can't fathom going through the rough times without my faith. My hope comes from my faith that God walks beside us until the day we walk home with Him.
In any situation there are lessons to be learned, ways we can grow, and people we can both learn from and help by teaching. The key is to look for the opportunities before us and realize them for what they are.
So, where was God today? He was walking beside me...sometimes holding my hand and sometimes helping me to look for the opportunities to grow.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Advent

Advent devotion-

Season of Advent Through the Eyes of a Daughter

Throughout the month of November, I focused on being thankful. And, in the last week, I have become so very grateful for all of the things God has blessed me with during this hard time. Prayers from loved ones and strangers, compassion and kindness from those working to help my dad, and family and friends reaching out and offering to help are all things I'm thankful for. Now, a word from my dad or him drinking a tiny bit of ginger ale brings me unspeakable joy! I'm realizing the little things that mean so much right now are things we should treasure always.

Now, we begin the season of advent- hope, peace, joy, and love! During this time, sometimes functioning is a struggle. But, when I am struggling the most, God sends me reminders of hope, peace, joy, and His love! 

I have never been more grateful for the gift of Jesus, who was born to save us so that we can be with God in heaven. That gives me hope for a future with Him. And, it gives me hope for a time when my dad will be free from the pain and the illness that has taken over his body will be gone. But, I have also seen hope when my dad asked if he could go home and that, then became my hope, too. So, it's fitting that my dad came home on this first Sunday of advent, Hope! 

After my dad found out about his tumors, but before he struggled to speak more than a word or two, he told me that he had a direct line to the Big Guy. He knows where he will be heading. And, although a little choked up as he spoke, he definitely had a peace about him that only God can give.

Joy! This has to be my favorite! My dad is typically on the quiet side. He has a very dry sense of humor that comes out when you least expect it! But, last week, he wanted to make sure everyone knew that he never lost his sense of humor! Even today, as he was getting ready to get into the ambulance, I said "Dad, behave." His reply, "Always." The unspoken words that I knew he was saying because he's been saying it for a long time, "I always behave, sometimes good, sometimes bad!" But, my personal favorite was a new one for me. I told him of all of the people praying for him. He smiled and said, "Every little bit helps, just like the old woman said as she was peeing in the ocean!" That's my dad, bringing joy even now!

Love, I can't even begin to share how much I love my dad and how much I know my dad loves me! When I stop and think about all of the things he has done for me, it's overwhelming. Now, as my sister and I care for him, he says we shouldn't have to do this. But, we tell him that after all of the years he took care of us, it's only right that we care for him. So, when I think about God, Our Father, who loves us as His children, oh how wonderful that is! He has taken such good care of me and now, it's only right that I do everything I can to show my love for Him! What that looks like is different for everyone. God gives us each our own gifts and opportunities to use them for Him. 

So, this advent season, enjoy the hope and peace that God has given you in Jesus, the joy and love He has given you in caring for you! But, remember that God has great plans for you to share His love with everyone throughout this season and always. So, make sure you're not too busy getting ready for Christmas to celebrate advent!

Blessings,

Jennifer