Joy

I know some of you have been praying for me and praying for me to have peace. So, I felt compelled to share an update.
After my last blog, something changed. It was as if putting a name to my experiences helped to affirm them for me. I did share some things with those in authority and after initially thinking accountability might happen, I realized I was mistaken.
But, you know what? It didn't matter! Somehow, a peace has come over me and helped me to see that I have done what I could and now it's up to God. To use a phrase we often said at youth group, judging is for Jesus. I had felt a sense of responsibility... and guilt... over the last year for staying silent. But, now I have not been silent and have done what I felt I needed to do and have been released of that nagging feeling. I guess this really has been a case of experiencing the journey rather than rejoicing in the destination. I think I needed to process and to stand up, but now that I have, I have a sense of closure. And, although I'm sad for the current situations, I have to let it go.
It's time to look ahead!
And, my life is filled with so much joy!
This weekend, I ended up having some extra time on Saturday. So, I sent a random message to a friend that became such a blessing! There are some things I will always miss from ministry. I loved planning events like mission trips, camp, and VBS. There is something so exciting about getting ready! So, Saturday and Sunday, I got to be a part of that excitement! It's so funny that I enjoyed shopping so much since I'm typically not a shopper. But, I got to go supply shopping for VBS and it was like a fun scavenger hunt!
Not only will I be participating in this VBS, but I am also helping with VBS at another church in August. They are both very different and I love having the opportunity to experience different ministries even though my jobs have changed. Ministry is everywhere, whether we are looking for it or not is the key!
A week ago, I took a day off of Facebook. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to begin a Friday fast from Facebook and possibly other things. I'm still exploring how to use that time, but am excited to explore! A friend and I will soon be finishing our Bible reading journey together. We are hoping to explore some other spiritual disciplines and thinking about focusing on fasting and prayer. I'm sure you will read more about that in future blogs as I learn more about it and have experiences to share.
Earlier this month, I reached a goal to run 3 miles. I have been enjoying using that time to listen to books, scripture, and sermons from several different churches as well as to pray and think. This extra time in the morning has changed the start of my day from getting up and rushing out the door to a time to focus and learn first think in the morning. What a difference that makes! Feeling a sense of accomplishment in the first hour I'm awake has brought the rest of my day to be more positive and focused.
I am thankful for the friends who have surrounded me with love and support. I am thankful for the people who are in my life and who have been a part of my journey.
So, where was God these last few weeks? He was in all of you and He was listening to the prayers for peace.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Gaslight

*writer's note: If you are reading this, I am trusting you to contact me before sharing. I wrote this as a way to put down some words to stop them from floating in my head. I'm not ready, and maybe never will be, to share it with everyone. Thank you. 
It's been a year. A lot has happened in a year. God continued to bless me and continued to assure me that I was following the right path. I am feeling blessed. I love my jobs, I love the people that I'm surrounded by, and I love my relationship with God. But, I have to admit this year was the hardest year of my life. There were too many goodbyes. And, it all started a year ago.

Two years ago, never could I have imagined what my life would be. I'm not talking about the pandemic or the rush on toilet paper. I'm talking about how I got to where I am today- the sleepless nights, the confused days, the conversations that didn't make sense, and the hurt and anger that tried to take hold of me. But, I am grateful for my relationship with God and His unending love for me and I am grateful for my family and friends and their unending love for me. 

It wasn't until recently that I was able to put a name to it. And, somehow, putting a name to it made me feel a bit better... knowing I wasn't alone. But, it also made me sad. How do you stop it? I frantically googled and read again and again what I already knew.. because I'd done it. Leave however you can get away... it's not your duty to fix them... if you can leave, don't look back. That's what I tried to do. 

But, it didn't work for a few reasons. 1) I left on my terms and that was unacceptable for him to see that I left and was living a good life. 2) I watched my friends feel what I had felt and that was heartbreaking. 3) I knew it would continue if I stayed quiet, if my friends stayed quiet, if we all pretended everything was normal. 4) Leaving meant not seeing people who had become like family. 5) Staying quiet gave room for lies, for attempts to ruin things I treasure, and for me to ask "what if". 

So, things continued quietly in the background... emails here and there, friends sharing what they had been told, never knowing if I let my guard down if it was too soon. 

Gaslighting... “Imagine you’re going through the worst experience you’ve ever had,” she says, “and, at the same time, you’re being told it’s not happening.”  I wasn't exactly sure what it was when I heard the term. I knew there was an old play about it. But, that's about it. When I googled it, I found article upon article describing my experience exactly . One stuck out to me as it described 11 warning signs. I'll share them here in bold along with my experiences.

1. They tell blatant lies. It's hard to think of just one. I listened as he would tell one person one thing and another something completely different... where he was going, what he was doing. Telling people what he thought they wanted to hear was his specialty. He would proudly announce how he was supporting the mission trip to Guatemala while behind the scenes talking to the mission committee about voting to not allow it because secretly he needed the money people were donating to go to other things he wanted. I doubt anyone would have argued against the fact that I was at the church more that anyone else. When I put in vacation time to help lead the church trip to Guatemala, he told me he was working with the staff parish relations committee (sprc) to make sure I could go. In reality, I found out he was working to convince the sprc that I shouldn't be able to go. I realized something was horribly wrong when I met with some of sprc for a review. He had told them all I do is show movies, that I had no youth, and various other lies. Luckily, my obsession with spreadsheets was in my favor as I had documentation to show those were all lies.

2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. When a serious issue came up that he had manufactured, after telling lies to several people to get them thinking i had done something wrong, he had them set up a meeting with me and then sent out an email saying he would be out of town the day of the meeting and surrounding days so that he could pretend he wasn't involved, let alone the instigator.

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. I have never made it a secret that I love children and the youth. Trying to convince me that I no longer was effective in connecting with them was attempted, but I knew the truth. Another thing I have always held near and dear was my integrity. He worked hard to get people to doubt that. Most people, I hope, knew me better than to think I would do something wrong that would put money over my relationship with God or my integrity in jeopardy. Those who believed him, I hope one day will know the truth. 

4. They wear you down over time. After my review, I was advised by my sprc liaison to document everything. My documentation shows the irrational conversations and emails that began slowly escalated to every few days by the time I left.

5. Their actions do not match their words. One of the times that haunts me happened on a Wednesday evening during our weekly event meant to reach out to children, youth, and families in the community. There were 5-10 teens that had been consistently coming to dinner for just over a month. They stopped by the youth room before dinner a few times and again after a few times during our Bible study time. It was obvious they weren't overly comfortable with it, but each week they came back and seemed a little bit more engaged. One week, he went over to them during dinner. I was with some other youth and didn't know of his conversation until the next day. He had told them not to come back if they didn't stay for the entire time. During this event specifically for reaching out he had just told a group of teens we don't want you here! Can you imagine what they left thinking church is about? I am still devastated that they were connecting and now they are all probably anti-church because of how they were treated. That next Sunday, the sermon was all about how we should be reaching out into the community and reaching the unchurched people- especially young people and families!

6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. Every once in awhile, he would tell me how great my children's sermon was, how great the parent's night out had been, or how Vacation Bible School was such a success. He would tell me he appreciated my dedication and hard work, and that I was always there.

7. They know confusion weakens people. Schedule changes, planning events that conflicted with the regular youth events, never being at the church at normal times, showing up to see what the youth were doing but then as soon as he was noticed quickly leaving were all his tactics to keep people guessing.

8. They project. Remember #6 and #7? He started telling people that I was never there! In reality, he was never there and was at the same time giving me positive reinforcement about always working and my dedication. I started recording my hours. You don't want to see how much time I put in. I am so grateful for an understanding husband who didn't get upset with me for being gone so much.

9. They try to align people against you. This happened. Some friendships survived, reconnections were mainly after I left. Others did not. I had to let that go for now.

10. They tell you or others that you are crazy. Several times I talked to him about his actions that made it clear that he wanted me gone. I was pretty direct in explaining my reasons in hopes of working things out to make them better. He just denied that any of it was true, told me he was on my side and that we were a team.

11. They tell you everyone else is a liar. This goes back to #9. His tactics to align people against me were to lie or tell half-truths about people.

Another article writes of gaslighting in the workplace. "Gaslighters at work will often assert things with extreme conviction or indignation. They will often shame co-workers and distort truths. They may ignore you when you respond to something they’ve said. They will counter, block, divert or trivialize what you say.

This often causes people to work harder in order to prove their worth to the gaslighter. You’ll feel like you could get fired at any point so the work environment feels unstable. Anxiety and stress increase as you bend over backward to try to please an abusive personality. You may feel confused and second guess all your decisions. When dealing with a gaslighter in the workplace, you will likely go through disbelief. You may become defensive and potentially even become depressed."

Because these things happened in a church with the gaslighter being a pastor, it added other facets to the experience. 

He misused scripture to manipulate people into doing what he wanted. His most often used scripture was Matthew 18. "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (Matthew 18:15–17) I was surprised when I googled this scripture that it is commonly used by abusers to keep them from speaking to others. "Matthew 18:15-17 contains the words of Christ to his church, instructing us on how to deal with internal conflict with a brother or sister who sins against us and doesn’t know it. It’s appropriate to follow that model in that situation, but it’s inadequate — and becomes itself a tool for abuse — when it is used to bully abuse survivors into silence." By telling victims they must go to the person, their abuser, the abuser keeps them from telling others of the issues. 

I have agonized for the past year over what my responsibility as a Christian is. Is my responsibility to leave quietly and move on, finding other ways to do ministry and hoping that the church will thrive somehow in spite of the leadership? Is my responsibility to encourage the children and youth, the families that I connected with, and the people who became my family to all stay connected to the church in hopes of God's healing and daily miracles to shelter them from the unethical things happening there? Or, is my responsibility to expose someone who is living a life against what the church stands for? Throughout the year, I have studied the Bible and have come across passages that would lead me to think one way or the other. I have prayed for the church and for the leadership and staff who I knew were dealing with things I had dealt with. Following scripture I prayed for my gaslighter. Even now, I find myself sad for him when I think of scripture such as James 3:1 "Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." And, I find myself sad for the opportunities missed by the lack of a true relationship with God or with people due to his inability to be honest with himself or others and misunderstanding of what a true relationship is. 

I attempted the first option for a year, quietly going on and building my new life, dealing with my father's illness and death, finding ways to care for my mother during her Alzheimer's diagnoses and loss of my dad. But, watching my friends suffer, watching the church I love losing people, knowing the unethical things going on behind the scenes, I am compelled to speak up. I don't want another person suffering, another church suffering, or another person being misled about the message of God. So, here I am speaking up. I was a victim of abuse, gaslighted by the pastor while working in ministry. I was not the first. I was not the last. I hope I can lessen the damage he could create and help the hurt to heal by acknowledging their experiences. 

So, where was God this past two years? He was right in front of me leading me to where I am today, sometimes I felt Him beside me, other times I felt as if I could actually feel Him hugging me, and sometimes He was in the people around me who have been supporting me throughout this time. 
Blessings,
Jennifer 

Learning

Looking on here, I see it's been over 2 months since I've written a blog. So much has happened in the world in these months! I came here with the thought of writing something else, but I can't ignore what has happened. People are living in fear and dying because of the color of their skin?! What is wrong with people that think this is the way we are supposed to be living?!
I'm both heartbroken and hopeful that things will be changing for the better. I'm heartbroken that things had to get to the point that they did, that eyes weren't open before, but now that they are, I am hoping that things change. We can't look the other way anymore. When I say we, I mean we. I was one of the ones with eyes not wide open... seeing some things, but not seeing or realizing the horror that racism has created. It has to stop!
I've been reading and listening and researching. I'm amazed at the hate that I've seen. I'm confused at times as I hear mixed messages depending on who I listen to, but above it all, I know I have to discern how I can best show love. I understand how that can sometimes be hard to do in random circumstances, but in this time, I don't understand how anyone can not do their best to try.
I am saddened by the hurt I see.
Right now, that's all I can say about this. I'm still in the listening and learning process. I hope you will join me.
So, where do I see God in this? I see Him in the words He commanded as we look for ways to move forward. Love one another!
Blessings,
Jennifer