Reports

Last weekend, I continued to go through papers and things at my parents. It's always a random experience. What I mean is, I find things like old pictures, a letter from my grandpa to my grandma in 1955, and church things from my parents. Then there are the things that fill the recycling container- things I wonder why they sat there taking up space for so long. Last Sunday, I found something that I didn't know existed- that I'd forgotten existed- that part of me wishes didn't exist- that part of me is grateful for the reminder of what could have been so I can remember how blessed I truly am.
I love my life! I am blessed to not only have one job that I like, but I have several jobs and I love them all! As I have transitioned out of a church job and my life has dramatically changed, I now have several churches that I am somehow connected to and I love them all. I feel my relationship with God has grown stronger as I've chosen to seek Him in my times of struggle over the past year. I have a roof over my head and food on my table and clean clothes in my dresser. I have friends who I love and who I know love me. Most of all, I am blessed with a wonderful husband, an amazing son, and an awesome family surrounding me. I am grateful.
But, those blessings were not always the case. So, this message is for anyone who doesn't feel those blessings. Or, if a loved one doesn't realize those blessings are attainable because their judgement is clouded right now.
I found police reports. Two of them. One was my parents and the other was mine.
The fact was, I was already trying to escape. But, I wasn't doing a great job of it. I wanted the husband and kids, the white picket house, and a dog. I was going to do anything to make that happen- even stay and make it happen. Afterall, if I wouldn't do things to make him so mad, none of the stuff would happen, right? But, it did. Again and again. The words were cutting, the violence not to the point of going to the hospital, my self esteem went to nothing. I couldn't leave. Who else would want a woman with a baby?
That's the life I knew. It was nothing like I imagined, coming from a home where my parents never fought. I didn't know what was happening and then suddenly, there I was the victim of domestic abuse. How did that happen?
So many people look at situations and wonder why people stay. I'm sure there are lots of different reasons. But, for me, I thought I saw potential and I thought I could make it work, and I never wanted to admit that I failed. And, it happens so suddenly and so gradually at the same time. I woke up one morning and that was my new normal. I still worked, went to church, and most importantly, I took care of our son. And, life just went on that way.
One day, when I realized if I stayed, our son would think it was ok, I decided it was time for me to go. I would have stayed, but I wanted him to be safe and raised to know right from wrong. So, with the help of my sister, I packed up our things and I left. We went straight to my parents house, not giving any hint of where we were going because I knew that's what I had to do.
But, eventually, he found us. I couldn't file for divorce without letting him know where we were. And, so the police reports. Even though I left, I still didn't admit I was the victim of abuse. Not until the day of that police report. That was the day I almost died in a car accident because I let him in again and he was angry enough to grab the steering wheel while I was driving to swerve us into oncoming traffic. I got control just in time to avoid a head on collision with a white van. The three of us would have been seriously injured if not dead if I had not gained control. That was the day I told my parents the truth as I reported the truth to the police officer.
My parents also filed a report later for the harrassment they continually endured from him since I had moved out of town by then. They were his easiest target. They, too, were able to get a restraining order.
I understand the AA theory of "the first step is admitting..". It was true for me. I've spent the rest of my life trying to help children and teens find a better path than I took. I've talked to teens struggling and they look at me as if I don't have a care in the world- like life has been easy. And, so I tell them the truth. That was where I was going... but this is where I am now. There is hope. There is a chance to change direction. We all deserve more than that.
If you know someone who is struggling, and you can't understand why they won't get out, it's so much harder than you think while you're in the struggle. But, I can tell you that your love and support still matter. And, when they do come out, maybe even for a short time before going back, be there to hug them and tell them they are loved.
If you are in this struggle, I understand your conflicted pain. But, I want you to know you are worth more than that person is able to give you. There is so much more to life if you can just change direction and take a different path. There is hope... and love... and life...such a wonderful life waiting for you!
So, I guess those reports reminded me of how blessed I am for taking a different path, a reminder of what might have been and what is. And, a reminder that it's not what happens in life, but how we handle it afterwards. So, I will continue to do what I can to help those who need it and to be grateful for each moment I have.
So, where was God in this? Even when I felt far away from Him, He was there and He helped me through. Today, He gives me opportunities to help others.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Treasure

I wonder when I will stop looking at the calendar on the 8th of every month and thinking of how many months since I lost my dad on December 8th... 2 months ago today.
I go through times of being ok... and then times when I'm incredibly sad. Usually, there is no reason for the switch to incredibly sad. It just is.
I've written a lot about my dad. But, I haven't mentioned my mom much. She's still here. But, the mom I had growing up isn't. She has alzheimers. It has gotten worse in the last year... losing my dad didn't help any. I wonder how much my dad just took care of her and we didn't realize.
Every week, I spend time with her and she is content. That's a blessing! She rarely gets upset and she seems happy to just go with the flow of things. Last weekend, she called me by my name. At least in that moment in time, she knew who I was!
As part of my time during my weekend visits to my parent's house (it will always be my parent's house even though my dad is gone. I just can't bring myself to call it "my mom's house") I've been cleaning, sorting, organizing, and trying to figure out what to do with things we don't need anymore. My current project is what has always been called the music room. The piano, music, books, games, and puzzles have called that room their home for years. I have found a lot of recycling during my time in there. But, I have also found so many treasures! Books I never knew we had, games I remember playing as a child, music books I had when I was learning to play the piano. I've found pictures that made me smile, laugh, and remember. I found awards I received in high school, my sister's college project that was a scrapbook of her life, so many memories in that little room!
Then, there are the things I didn't remember. The ones I think I will treasure the most. I have discovered Bibles. I've found Bibles given to my grandparents on special occasions, Bibles my parents used, Bibles that were practically in pieces they were so used and loved. I found a Laotian Bible that was from the Gideons. My dad's boss was a Gideon and probably gave it to my dad in case he needed to give it to some of the Laotian families that went to my church growing up. There's a Spanish Bible, too. I've only found one that was written in. My mom must have used it while studying for a class she was taking. It's highlighted and has notes written in it. I can't wait to sit down and read my mom's words and see what she wanted to make sure she remembered and her thoughts while studying.
A few weeks ago, I found a Bible with one piece of paper in it. I opened it up, looked at the paper and realized it was a Sunday School lesson she had planned. How could I tell? It was exactly the way I write my Sunday School plans! I'd never seen it before or any lesson she wrote. But, somehow, they were the same. A few months ago, as I was reading the major prophets, I was struggling through Jeremiah. Both my mom and I share a favorite verse that comes from Jeremiah so I had looked forward to reading Jeremiah... until I got there. I prayed to find a way to have the rest of Jeremiah speak to me the way Jeremiah 29:11 does. Then, while going through things, I found a devotion my mom had written from another verse in Jeremiah. And, it changed my perspective and helped me as I read the rest of Jeremiah.
I'm finding books my parents must have used in adult Sunday School classes that they took. I look forward to reading them and seeing what their thoughts were.
My dad is gone. My mom isn't the same. But, I feel like these treasures give me a chance to get to know them and feel even closer to them than I did before. I can spend time with them as they were on their walk with Jesus. Don't get me wrong. I saw them walk with Jesus every day of my life in the way they acted, in the way they led by example reading scripture as a family, praying together, and treating people as God wanted. But, there is something special to me about reading their words.
So, where was God in this? He knows my pain and saddness and I feel like He has given me this gift.
Blessings,
Jennifer